


No Life But This

by PatronusDorcas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Depression, M/M, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Suicidal Thoughts, canon compliant up until PoA for the most part, fix-it but not really?, it's a remus/severus that takes place during PoA it's a bit straightforward, medium burn?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26789689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatronusDorcas/pseuds/PatronusDorcas
Summary: -He wanted to run the first time he went to Snape’s office to receive the Wolfsbane Potion. For the past three weeks, he got nothing from the man other than scornful glares and (accurate in Remus’ opinion) jabs at his being unfit to be there. Of course, Remus did nothing to defend himself. He had no weapon against the truth.-
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Comments: 65
Kudos: 177





	1. When One has given up One's life

The first month was like an illusion. He felt as though nothing around him was real, his body slipping in and out of reality. Remus Lupin thought maybe he would suddenly wake up and find himself with nothing once again. He didn’t deserve to be there. What right did he have to teach children, being what he was? But apparently the Headmaster was just that desperate for a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor that he asked a destitute Dark creature to do the job, using the promise of Wolfsbane Potion as bribery knowing he’d say no otherwise. 

After the daydream that was his initial journey back to Hogwarts, he was floored to see that Severus Snape of all people was the current Potions instructor and the one who would be making the potion for him every month. This did nothing to soothe his anxiety. Would this mean it would be made to perfection, or because of their past, be cause for the Potions Master to cut corners? No, perhaps it was to be the other way around. A Wolfsbane Potion perfect because of their past. Snape wasn’t going to take any risk.

It had been so long since he had been in the castle, he was nearly left breathless as he walked into the Great Hall once more. It was still so beautiful. And seeing Harry for the first time since the boy was a baby… he looked so much like James. He imagined Harry got that a lot. Remus’ heart constricted seeing him walk the corridors, thinking of his lost friend. Once they interacted more, however, he found that Harry was less like James than he looked. He had Lily’s eyes, fire, and spirit.

Remus was also proud of Harry for the friends he had made. The Weasleys were good people, and he could see the Prewetts in Ron. Hermione was so incredibly bright. It sort of made him nervous thinking there was a strong chance that with her cleverness, she would quickly pick up on his condition. However, he tried to convince himself the knowledge would be safe with them if they ever came to know.

He wanted to run the first time he went to Snape’s office to receive the Wolfsbane Potion. For the past three weeks, he got nothing from the man other than scornful glares and (accurate in Remus’ opinion) jabs at his being unfit to be there. Of course, Remus did nothing to defend himself. He had no weapon against the truth. He had been praised by Madame Pomfrey and other staff members after his handling of the dementors on the train, yes, but surely any other prospective professor would have done the same thing? Was the bar really that low?

He took a deep breath, then tapped at the door.

“Come in, Lupin.” The voice was soft but already irritated. As he walked in, he could see the mesmerizing smoke dancing off the goblet. Snape was sitting at his desk grading essays, not bothering to look up at him, hair shielding much of his aquiline features. Remus noticed the sea of red ink on the topmost parchment. “Just take it and leave.”

And Remus almost did so. He put a hand to the stem, then stopped, briefly biting his lip.

“Thank you for doing this,” he said. “I know that Dumbledore is probably demanding it of you and you wouldn’t had it been your own choice, but I’m grateful all the same. So thank you.”

“I’m not interested in your airs of politeness,” the other grumbled as a bit too much ink blotted from his quill, still refusing to look at him. Maybe it was better than the glares, which only got deadlier after the Boggart incident. He should have realized it would have made its way to Snape’s ears. How mindless he was.

“Right.” Remus sighed and took the potion, nose wrinkling as he did so. Exactly as foul as he remembered. However, the effects were worth it.

The next few nights went by without incident, though he was generally greeted with looks of hatred as usual. After that, Remus was tired of this silent treatment. If the entire year was going to go like this, he thought he may go mad.

“Snape,” he addressed after finishing that night’s dose of Wolfsbane.

“Here I thought the past few days went so well. Why ruin it now?” Snape said dryly.

“Please listen to me.” His tone was gentle. 

“You’ve finished the goblet, now kindly leave.”

Snape sighed impatiently as his colleague pulled up a chair, now sitting across the desk from him.

“I want to apologize to you.” Remus pushed on despite the sarcastic huff he received as a response. “Please believe me. I’m so sorry for when we were children. I never… I never approved of how they treated you. The entire time, I had the ability to defend you, but I never did.”

“Bloody cowards, the lot of you,” Snape practically hissed.

“I know. And I was the worst of all, in that respect.” Remus noted the faintest hint of surprise in the other’s expression, as if he hadn’t been counting on Remus admitting to it. “I should have stood up to them from the very beginning. That makes me complicit. I’m so sorry. I hope it’s in your heart to accept my apology, though I understand if you can’t forgive me.”

“And what about that time you nearly murdered me, then?”

God, Remus hated how disbelieving Snape sounded. He spoke more firmly now.

“You know very well I had no idea!”

“Yet you still remained friends with them. Are you feeling guilty now that Black is a wanted man—”

“Don’t you talk to me about Sirius Black!” Remus stood now, gripping the table if only to try and keep his hands from shaking at the mention of his childhood friend. “I’m so sorry that happened. You know I wasn’t in on it, I told you so many times, or at least I tried. But I’m sorry for being what I am and that he took advantage of that. I know afterwards I should have just stuffed a handful of wolfsbane leaves in my mouth and been done with it! But I’m sorry for being too much of a coward to do so!”

He didn’t know what was going to happen, trying to apologize to Severus Snape. He thought maybe he was being too idealistic thinking they could somehow move past their problems with each other. Remus wanted to come to terms with the fact he may never be forgiven. Still, he was going to try and have the higher ground, even if it was easier said than done, especially after his outburst. He stormed out of the office, unaware Snape would stare at the open door for moments after, eyes widened.

***

Severus had been beside himself in anger when Dumbledore came to him with his request. No. No, the wolf was right, he was loath to admit. It had been a demand. He could have laughed. It was the bitterest irony that the year Sirius Black escapes from Azkaban, Dumbledore goes and hires the convict’s best friend. Well, the one who was still alive that is. It was no doubt purposeful.

What he wasn’t expecting was the present Remus Lupin. In his mind was still the teenage Lupin, surrounded by the arrogant bastards he called friends, too afraid to say anything against them. He would laugh with them, features boyish and lively. When he saw the man now, Severus was thrown off by how life seemed to have treated him. That light brown hair was now streaked with grey, crow’s feet prematurely forming along tired eyes. Too young for this. Only… how old were they now? Thirty-three? They were bloody young still. The soft handsomeness Lupin possessed was still present, even if overlaid by the greying hair and threadbare robes. And the scars. Hell, those scars.

What he expected even less was an apology. A real one. Lupin’s heart spilling out in that office, more than Severus knew he had intended. Severus knew he goaded the man, touching on what he knew would be a sensitive topic, but was nevertheless left frozen in place at Lupin’s last admission. 

***

The final day before the full moon, Remus walked into Snape’s office, silently taking that night’s dose of the potion. Unlike the other nights, he was being watched intently. He ignored this, not wanting another confrontation. After, he turned to leave.

“Lupin.”

Remus nearly jumped. Hesitantly, he turned around.

“Snape.”

“You missed one.”

“One what?” he asked in breathy exasperation.

“Apology. You missed the Boggart fiasco. Surely you haven’t forgotten after only a couple weeks?” Snape looked bored as he spoke.

“I apologize when I mean it. I’m sorry for everything that happened while we were in school. I’m not sorry for that.” At the look of indignance, Remus explained further. “You know, it’s rather concerning when a student’s Boggart is one of his _teachers_ . I wasn’t really prepared for that to be the case. And you say _I’m_ the one who shouldn’t be teaching. At least I don’t bully my students.” He saw Snape wanted to argue, but turned again to leave. “Thank you for the potion.”

The month’s transformation went well. Thankfully, it was the start of the weekend, and after doing as much grading after classes as he could, Remus was able to comfortably curl up on his rug, glad he wasn’t missing classes so early on. He would get behind on some work, but at least he no longer had to rely on the precarious safety of the Shack.

***

Severus wanted to shove everything off his desk in a fit of rage. His fingers twitched against the stack of books, imagining them assaulting the ground in a satisfying clatter, taking vials of potion with them, glass shattering among scattered parchment. Instead, he remained seated in silent fury as Lupin’s words intruded into his thoughts. _He was right_ . No, it was just how one dealt with idiotic children. You have to be firm or else they’ll never learn. Children have stupid, inane fears all the time. He may be harsh yes, but presently, he was the only one preventing a possible werewolf attack on a student. That, that is really the form a Boggart should take. _But even Lupin wouldn’t be so irresponsible to let that happen._ Severus sighed in aggravation, leaning back in his chair. He could practically hear Lupin’s hypothetical response. ‘Really? Harsh? You’ve made teenagers cry. There’s no excuse for it. You’re no better than we were.’ _No better than we were._ At that thought, he clenched his fist, really controlling himself now.

He held the stack of assignments in his hands, eyes scanning the room, particularly the Gryffindor half. What he got back was a mix of fear and contempt. Based on many of the scores he was holding, yes, they should have a degree of fear. But he knew that wasn’t it, not completely.

Severus started handing them back in his usual dissatisfaction. Since the beginning, he wanted to have high hopes for Draco. The boy was a rather decent student and he was easier on him than the others, but still, there was only so easy he could grade when the answers were that wrong.

“I know you can do better next time,” he said quietly to Draco, who looked a bit disappointed with himself.

The mediocrity only got worse. It was like Potter and Weasley weren’t even trying anymore, and he didn’t know which was worse. No, definitely Potter. It was like he didn’t even care to live up to his parents’ skill. This was normally where he would leave some scathing remark, but the thought Lupin left with him still rang in his mind. Instead, he slammed the parchment down onto the desk aggressively, giving a scowl. _Your mother would be disappointed in your lack of care._ Then Granger. Her work was perfect as usual, but he still handed it back mirthlessly. It was always like a textbook. Perfect, but lacked any sort of personalized, creative input. Just the bland parroting of facts.

And then there was Longbottom. Fumbling, clumsy Longbottom. Severus saw the boy’s nerves spike as he walked over. He sighed loudly and placed the assignment on the desk, saying nothing before moving on to the next student.

***

It took a few days for Remus to find the courage to find Snape in his office again. However, he ended up being glad that he waited. One of the perks of being a teacher that students apparently felt comfortable around was that they tended to speak a bit freely, not even caring to avoid him overhearing. They spoke of Snape often, especially the Gryffindors. It was never kind. This week, however, was a little different. Still not kind, but different.

“Perhaps he’s feeling a bit ill?” he heard Dean Thomas suggesting.

“If that’s the case, good,” said Harry. Remus was disappointed in hearing him talk that way, but was unsurprised nevertheless. “He’d deserve it, with the way he normally treats Neville.”

“Dunno, I’d think that’d make him be nastier,” added Weasley. Miss Patil also had something to say.

“Yes, it’s been the opposite. He hasn’t been _nice_ , but he hasn’t given us rude remarks as usual. He just glares and says nothing.”

This is what piqued Remus’ interest. Snape couldn’t possibly have _listened_ to him? That was highly improbable.

***

Severus stared at the parchment, mind wandering. He hadn’t realized how long he had been staring into space until he heard a light knock on the door. He brought himself back to reality. He didn’t know why anyone would be visiting at this hour.

“Come in?”

“Er, ‘evening.” Lupin gave him a hesitant smile as he walked in. Severus nearly groaned. They had no more business this month, why was he being solicited now?

“There better be a good reason why you’re bothering me in my office so late.”

“I just wanted to let you know your potion worked really well,” Lupin said, unbearably sincere. “It’s expected, I suppose, but thank you. I’ve only had the privilege of using it once before, and it’s been several years. And… if you hadn’t agreed, I wouldn’t have accepted this post otherwise. Not for my sake, but for everyone else’s.”

“Please, I hope you’re not under any illusion that I have any interest in listening to your emotional ramblings. I don’t know where you could have possibly gotten that idea.” Severus sighed, staring at him with pursed lips. He tried to get something from him, but there was nothing. He wondered if Lupin knew how to Occlude.

“Sorry. I just wanted you to know I really am grateful, despite any bitterness there has been between us.” 

There was a long pause of silence, Severus absentmindedly fidgeting with his quill. Finally, Lupin spoke again.

“I’ve heard the students talking about you, you know.”

Severus huffed.

“A manner of lackluster insults, I’m sure.”

“Er, well, yes. But aside from that. They’ve noticed that you’ve apparently toned it down. That you’ve been less mean to them.” Lupin smiled gently. “I just wanted you to know it’s not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.”

Is this how it was going to be? Lupin trying to kill him with kindness assuming it’ll earn him forgiveness? How trite. And about how he ran his classroom… who cares what Lupin thought.

“I have no idea what you mean, Lupin.”

“Oh sure.” He had the audacity to roll his eyes with a quick laugh. “I’m the one who is supposed to be acting a bit unusual. Maybe a few comments about how I look like a good hex will finish me off.”

That wasn’t completely false. The man did look marginally healthier than on the first of September, but was still rather shabby. Severus recalled a few of his students scoffing at the state of the new professor’s robes.

“Indeed,” he said impassively. “You didn’t strike me as one for facial hair. Leaning into the scruffy stray look, are we?”

He expected irritation. He expected Lupin to get narked and walk out again. As long as it would get him to leave. But it didn’t happen. Instead, what Severus received was a bashful look to the side and furrowed brows.

“Yes, I suppose I do look a mess, don’t I? It’s rather easy to forget to take care of one’s self, or lose motivation to do so sometimes.”

Severus’ jaw tightened.

***

Remus wasn’t surprised at receiving little jabs at his appearance. He knew he wasn’t taking care of himself as much as he knew he should be. Sometimes the responsibilities of his job was the only thing really getting him up in the morning. Grading, making lessons plans, that was often the only thing keeping his thoughts from spiraling.

He felt ashamed of himself, but looked at Snape anyway, preparing for whatever other acerbic remarks he had for him. But Snape had a curious expression on his face, if just for a brief moment. Remus could tell it was accidental, as the other’s face quickly went back to its usual cold, tense front. But he couldn’t mistake it. That fleeting look of understanding in melancholic dark eyes.

“How about this?” Remus forced his lips into a smile. “You wash your hair, and I’ll shave my scruffy face.”

Snape’s expression turned to that of perplexity, though behind it was the ever so faint hint of embarrassment. Remus figured he really did hit the issue on the head, didn’t he?

“What sort of stupid proposition is that?”

“I mean, if you want to keep looking at it, then I’ll just do nothing.”

“Fine,” Snape growled, “I’ll do it if it means you’ll get rid of that ridiculous mustache.”

“Alright, you first, as I just don’t trust you to keep up your end of the deal otherwise.”

“Hmph. And what makes you think I can trust you then?”

“Please do.” Remus softened his voice. “As long as I’m here, I’m trusting you with my livelihood. Have confidence in my will to keep up my end of a silly agreement as I have confidence in your self-control to not poison me.”

Snape raised a brow.

“Do you not think a poisoning would be too obvious?”

“Er, I suppose it would be.” Remus gave a nervous laugh.

“And don’t think of doing it yourself. I rather not be the one blamed for it. Now if you’d kindly leave me to my work.”

He took in a deep breath, face flushing slightly.

“Yes, of course,” he said in a near-whisper, then turned to leave silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you for reading! Estimating by the number of chapters I have written already, I'm expecting somewhere between 13-16 chapters by the end, but we'll see.  
> I love feedback, but regardless, I hope you enjoy :)


	2. A Cloud withdrew from the Sky

He actually did it. The next day, Remus watched Snape during breakfast. He didn’t think the little agreement would be fulfilled so soon, but already the normally greasy, lank hair was clean and neat. Comparing it to his fine, grey-flecked hair, Remus was actually a touch envious. If any of the other staff aside from himself noticed this subtle change, they made the astute choice of not mentioning it. Snape seemed to be cautious about the possibility of unsolicited comments, pointedly avoiding eye-contact with anyone as he shoved food around on his plate.

As soon as he had the chance, Remus went back to his quarters to keep up his end of the deal.

***

This was closer to the Lupin he remembered. Only superficially, of course. Unlike the one he remembered, this Lupin looked at him with such warmness and sincerity, albeit with meek, hopeful smiles. In combination with him upholding his promise the very same day, it was awfully clear to Severus that he was very much determined to earn mutual trust. However, the memories of Potter and Black were still so vivid in his mind, Lupin looking away too afraid to say anything. The wolf was going to have to work harder than this.

Severus sighed as Lupin stopped him in the hall as they passed by each other.

“What is it you want?”

“I admit I didn’t think you would uphold your end so fast. Sorry,” Lupin gave another one of those nervous smiles. “Next time we make a deal like this, I’ll have more faith in you, I promise.”

“It looked idiotic, even for you. I needed to be sure it was rectified,” Severus hated himself for going there. He really was no better. It was obvious to him Lupin was about to make some self-critical comment, probably not even thinking of taking offense. Had the man always been like this, or did this modest personality manifest itself in adulthood? He backtracked ever so slightly. Not that he was feeling complimentary, but he didn’t want to contribute to someone’s love affair with the idea of death, even the smallest bit. He didn’t want that on his conscience. “It didn’t suit you. You at least look closer to your age now.”

Lupin glanced away, cheeks tinged a little pink in embarrassment.

“I suppose so. Also, did you know your hair is actually rather good? Er, is that a weird thing to say?” he looked at Severus now with panicked eyes. “If that’s weird I’m sorry. I’m just a little jealous is all.”

Severus didn’t quite know what to say at first. If he didn’t know better it was as if he had been hit with _langlock_. It wasn’t even much of a compliment. It was so benign. But he couldn’t remember the last time he received any sort of compliment aside from his potion-making skill (and even then, someone usually wanted something). He didn’t have good qualities, whether in personality or appearance. There was nothing to envy.

“Stop being ridiculous, Lupin,” he said briskly, gathering his wits back. “Now, don’t you have a class to teach?”

“Oh, er, yes. Thank you. Sorry.” Clearly flustered, Lupin turned to leave for his classroom.

Severus didn’t understand why the other was so awkward in handing out that sort of flattery. It seemed like something that was part of Lupin’s disposition, unlike his own. Was he so appalling a person that giving him praise would be a source of embarrassment?

***

They said nothing to each other at lunch. Remus, however, noticed Snape appeared to not have much of an appetite again. One of those days, he supposed, and didn’t think much of it the rest of the day. As the week progressed, he couldn’t help but think something of it. Snape would barely eat, just picking at his food absentmindedly. At first Remus thought maybe he was just a little picky, but after days of this, Snape didn’t look to be discerning in any way. He felt a gnawing in his stomach that he refused to claim as pity. He was certain Severus Snape was someone who would feel deeply offended at being pitied, especially by someone like Remus. He could understand that. But no, it wasn’t pity. If anything, he felt sympathy. Snape was exhausted, troubled, just as unwell as he was. Remus didn’t wish this upon someone else. That uncomfortable gnawing turned to motivation.

“Snape.”

Remus received a deathly glare.

“Lupin, do I need to lock my office door after class to prevent you from walking in as you bloody well please?”

“I rather you didn’t?” He walked over to the desk, briefly glancing at the work Snape was doing. Well, was supposedly doing. He was starting on writing what looked to be an exam, but got a few questions in and abandoned his thoughts. It was apparent by the fact he had stopped mid-sentence, yet the ink was completely dry on both the parchment and quill. “You’re clearly not busy anyway.”

Snape opened his mouth to argue, but Remus spoke again before he had the chance.

“Let’s go to lunch.”

Whatever remark the Potions Master was going to say completely disappeared, replaced by bewilderment.

“What makes you think I would want to do that?”

“Please?” Remus asked softly. “My treat, as a thank you for what you’re doing for me. It’s the least I could do.”

Snape scoffed.

“Spend your money on something else, like new robes. I doubt you enjoy the comments you receive.”

“That doesn’t matter. I rather do this. Let’s go to the village and have lunch.”

“What if I say no? Are you going to keep harassing me about it until I agree?” Snape propped his head up on his arm, a scowl on his lips.

“Of course not,” Remus frowned. He had enabled Snape to be harassed enough already. While he couldn’t ignore that Snape had played his own part in everything, in his opinion, it wasn’t equal. Sometimes it was two or three against one. “I wouldn’t want to make you that uncomfortable. Unless you _want_ me to.”

“Why would I want you to? What would I be subjected to then?”

“I hadn’t thought that far. I, er, was hoping you’d say yes. I can try and think of something else?”

  
  


***

This was absolutely ridiculous, going to lunch with Remus Lupin, yet there they were walking down the road to Hogsmeade Village. At least it would be quiet, as the students’ Hogsmeade visits hadn’t started yet. He would have been harder to convince if that were the case. Severus almost wanted to challenge Lupin’s goodwill, seeing how many times he actually would ask before giving up, but decided otherwise. It seemed a bit underhanded and manipulative even for him. The request took him by surprise, but what kept him thinking was Lupin’s wording. He hoped he’d say yes. Not _expected_ or _thought_. Lupin _hoped._

He had been invited to things by the other staff before, but he always declined. He didn’t really want to be there anyway, and he could tell they didn’t really want him to be there either. They were just feigning politeness. But Lupin. Lupin, this object of loathing for so many years, was not doing that. If he was pretending, Severus thought he was doing an awfully good job and frankly he didn’t think Lupin was capable of such falsities. Still, he didn’t quite understand the other’s intentions. Sure he was given a reason, but there could have been something more practical. Help grade assignments, organize the ingredients cabinet, something like that. He didn’t find there to be any cause to pay for food when one lives in the castle.

***

“So, I must say I was rather surprised to find you as the Potions Master,” Remus said as they got their food. He told Snape to get whatever he wanted, but they both ended up with the modest choice of fish and chips. “The teaching part, rather. That it’s Potions, not so much. You were always quite brilliant.”

“Indeed. However, someone did have to replace Slughorn,” Snape looked irritated at the fact. Remus figured maybe there was something he didn’t want to talk about.

“I know you’ve wanted the Defense job. It’s pretty well known even to me by now. But I don’t really see why you would want it.”

“You can’t possibly be saying you didn’t want this job?” The scowl he had been wearing the whole time didn’t budge.

“That’s not really it,” he paused to take a drink of his ale. “I’m extremely grateful. But everyone knows there’s something wrong with the post. I’m sure within a couple years I’ll be looking for another job. I can’t imagine why you would want to subject yourself to that. You have something stable.”

It made him rather nervous to think about. Based on what he heard of the past several years, he wasn’t going to last very long there, and he was almost certain it would be due to his condition. Perhaps he should just resign at the end of the year before any bad could happen.

“Yes, I assume this is the reason why the Headmaster hasn’t allowed me the post,” Snape sighed. “The past few years have been particularly abysmal. Both in terms of rate of turnover and the quality of instruction.”

“That seems to be the consensus. Will you tell me about the past two years? I heard they were particularly bizarre, but I’m afraid I don’t know the details,” Remus smiled encouragingly, but tried to maintain a level of casualness. He was thrilled that Snape was talking to him, but didn’t want to make a big deal over it and cause him to be tight-lipped.

“Where do I bloody start?” Snape grumbled, taking a chip distractedly. “I knew there may be problems when Potter started school, but I don’t think any of us expected someone like Quirrell to come in and attempt to steal from the school and possibly catalyze the return of Voldemort. Of course, with that pathetic little act he was putting on, no one suspected him except me. Received a bite from a Cerberus for it.”

“Oh my. Are you alright?” Remus asked, brows furrowed. He found a bite from a giant three-headed dog to be cause for concern. He did, however, feel encouraged by the fact that Snape was eating now that his mind was distracted with their conversation. This is exactly what he had hoped.

“It’s fine,” Snape waved it off. “I had not been prepared. On the other hand, the protections on the Philosopher’s Stone were so lacking, it isn’t any wonder an otherwise passable Defense Against The Dark Arts instructor would be able to get through them!”

“Did you not contribute to the protections?”

“Of course I did! I merely did as I was asked to do. And these defenses would be fine against most people, but certainly not the professors! Quirrell contributed his own protection as well. No one was going to suspect him.”

“It was shocking to hear about. I understand how Hogwarts would be chosen as a place to hide such a thing. It was just such an unfortunate circumstance. I’d say the castle is generally regarded as safe, but after last year…” Remus could hardly believe it when he got the full story of what happened when he asked McGonagall. To think the Chamber and its monster had existed that entire time, and they had been unaware of it. All the times James, Sirius, Peter and he all traversed the secret passages, learning every nook and cranny of the castle they could. Well, he supposed they did avoid Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.

He nearly laughed as he saw Snape look so exasperated.

“Don’t get me started on Gilderoy Lockhart! Dumbledore was really scraping the bottom of the barrel last year. I’ve never seen such utter ineptitude in my entire life,” Snape ran a hand through his hair, staring at the table as if he was trying to burn holes in it. “They should have left him down there to be eaten by the fucking basilisk.”

Remus really did laugh now, earning a bit of a startled look.

“That bad, huh? Go on.”

He listened as Snape went on about every stupid thing the previous professor did from requiring an entire set of his own books to the Cornish Pixies to trying to run away once the Chamber had been opened. He imagined Snape really wanted to be able to rant about this to someone. He possibly tried with Dumbledore, but Remus had a feeling the Headmaster didn’t really listen.

“I’m understanding now why I got such a positive response after dealing with the Dementors on the train. I didn’t think I was doing anything special, but apparently doing the bare minimum is exceeding expectations by this point.”

“Please, Lupin, don’t miss a single potion and risk everything going to hell again.”

“I know you won’t let me,” he smiled. “Right?”

“Not that I have a choice. But right, I’ll track you down and break down your door if I have to. You know very well I hate the fact it had to be you, but I also rather not have another Lockhart.”

“That’s not much of a compliment, but I suppose I’ll take what I can get,” Remus chuckled. “I admit, I am afraid of what will happen for me to have to leave. I’d say we could switch every couple years but I’m absolute shite at potions.”

“That would be an irresponsible decision,” Snape huffed. “Half the dungeons might explode. Don’t think I’ve forgotten when you melted your cauldron enough to where it burnt through the desk and made holes in Potter’s robes.”

“Yes, I felt awful about that, especially as I’d normally be working with Sirius, but I was angry at him that week and worked with James instead. Anyway, I would rather not cause that much damage.” He noted in satisfaction to himself that Snape made it at least halfway through his food. “You know, if you’re up for it, you can teach my class on the days I’m, er, indisposed. I was lucky this month, but next month I’ll need someone to cover for me.”

“You’re comfortable with that?” Snape said in a cynical tone, yet there was a slight spark in his tired eyes.

“As long as you don’t terrorize my classes, yes. Behave, and I’ll be more than happy to have you be the one to substitute.” It too easily could have sounded like a threat, which he didn’t intend, so Remus made sure to say it as lightly as possible, giving a wry smile.

Snape had a curious expression on his face, and they both were quiet for a moment, looking across the table at each other. Finally, he nodded.

“I would like to, yes.”

Remus’ smile brightened.

“That’s great. Thank you.”

***

It was a bizarre feeling, but he didn’t hate this. Spending that afternoon with Lupin hadn’t been awful. It went relatively well, in fact. Severus watched him as they walked back to the castle, the sun shining through breaks in the clouds. Lupin looked so happy when talking to people, but Severus could see the vacant expressions when he thought no one was looking. He couldn’t fathom how Lupin did it, how he was able to pretend everything was alright. Perhaps yes, Lupin was always genuine when it came toward his attitude toward people, but clearly he didn't want them to see a version of him that was anything but cheerful. His mind returned back to when they were students, to his criticism of Lupin’s lack of action. Perhaps it really was the same back then. Burying deep his negative feelings. Severus started to believe more firmly in the apology he received, even if he struggled to understand his mind.

“Lupin.”

“Yes?” His voice was so patient.

“Last week, why on Earth were you so flustered? Is it really that terrible to give someone like me even such a trivial compliment?” Perhaps it was a petty thing to ask, but Severus didn’t really care. Curiosity got the best of him.

“What? Oh.” Lupin gave a little laugh. “No, no it’s not like that. Honestly I was just afraid I would ruin it, and you’d go and cut it off to spite me or something. It would have been tragic.”

_That_ was it? Severus nearly found the truth of the matter to be comical if anything. Judging by his own previous question he supposed yes, it was in him to be that petty. But no, he hadn’t even thought of it. He stopped walking.

“You really are a dunderhead, aren’t you?” he said, almost smirking. This surprised him.

“Yes, quite,” Lupin grinned amusedly. 

No, Severus didn’t hate this. He _liked_ this. This wasn’t what he anticipated. Lupin wasn’t what he anticipated. Severus had been so furious with Dumbledore for bringing in what he assumed would be a constant reminder of his previous torment. He didn’t think he’d ever find himself not hating Remus Lupin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the Heads of House ganging up on Lockhart is probably one of my favorite scenes in CoS lmao.


	3. There is a pain — so utter —

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween??

After the day they spent together, the two didn’t talk much, but there was a new politeness in which they spoke to each other, whether it be at staff meetings or in passing. Lupin was always polite, sure, but now Severus couldn’t bring himself to openly insult him. 

Halloween quickly crept up on all of them. Severus never much cared for it, especially nowadays.

It was particularly difficult to get up that morning. He curled inward, wrapping the blankets tighter around himself as the pressure in his chest increased, as though a Dementor’s hand went straight through him. The room flickered out of existence, replaced with only shame and regret. He knew then, it couldn’t be a Dementor. At least a Dementor had the decency to allow you not to feel. And he felt too much.

As much as he didn’t think he could bear the outside world that day, he forced the room back into existence. He needed to be. The full moon was approaching, and he had a potion to make. He managed to convince his body out of bed and made himself look human, though he likened himself more to an Inferius acting like one.

It looked as though Lupin was also having a time of it. He was pale, more so than usual when leading up to a transformation, which only served to accentuate the dark circles under his eyes. The other staff noticed too, as Severus saw McGonagall give Lupin a sorry sort of look. He wondered if they knew the real reason. It wasn’t the moon. He knew it was for the same reason as himself. Halloween truly was a miserable day. He glanced at the tables of the Great Hall, picking out Potter with his friends. They were enjoying some conversation, possibly about Hogsmeade Village. The corner of his lips twitched into a frown. Potter knew it was twelve years ago today, didn’t he?

Severus now looked back to Lupin, catching his eye. Finally, he was able to get something.

_I wish they would stop looking at me like that. I don’t need their pity._

He let out a quick breath. Yes, he understood Lupin’s thoughts very well. Severus wondered if he caught him off-guard, or if Lupin was willing his thoughts to him.

Later that day, Severus realized Lupin was late. By now, he would normally have gotten a light knock on the door, followed by a polite, if hesitant greeting. A nervousness crept into his heart. He went to Lupin’s office himself, knocking softly as the werewolf always did.

“Come in,” called that gentle voice.

He opened the door, and stopped short. Through the faint smoke emanating from the goblet in his hand, he saw Potter. So that was why he had to come there himself. Lupin smiled, and Severus swore he saw a hint of mischief pass over his scarred face. He narrowed his eyes in distrust.

“Ah, Severus. Thanks very much. Could you leave it here on the desk for me?”

Did he just— Severus took a sharp intake of breath, setting the goblet down almost too hard. He tried to avoid looking at either of them.

“I was just showing Harry my Grindylow,” Lupin’s tone was too cheerful. Severus could see him point to the tank out of the corner of his eye, but he didn’t look. He was trying too hard to keep a still face.

“Fascinating. You should drink that directly, Lupin.”

“Yes, yes, I will.”

“I made an entire cauldronful, if you need more.” Why did he bloody say that? That was the most stupid, idiotic thing. Of course he made a cauldronful, just like he did last month. Lupin knew this. He risked looking again, and found Lupin with a quizzical expression. Of course he did, probably wondering why Severus was saying stupid things.

“I should probably take some again tomorrow.” _Humoring_ him now? “Thanks very much, Severus.”

“Not at all,” he barely managed. For Merlin’s sake, it was just his first name, the Headmaster used it plenty. Perhaps Lupin did assume a level of closeness that wasn’t quite there, which would explain the mischievous look, but surely it wasn’t worth getting so flustered over? Trying desperately to hide this, he gave them a quick glare and stalked out of the office.

***

He really needed that. Remus knew maybe it was a little reckless, but seeing Snape have a reaction like that nearly made him laugh, though he figured he shouldn’t, lest he receive any wrath. He knew he hadn’t really earned it yet, but he did like saying ‘Severus’. He wanted to earn that right.

Harry looked curiously at the goblet, which was fair enough. He smiled, still thinking about Snape’s clumsiness.

“Professor Snape has very kindly concocted a potion for me. I’ve never been much of a potion-brewer and this one is particularly complex.” He picked up the goblet hesitantly, sniffing it as if it would be different this time for some reason. So awful. “Pity sugar makes it useless.” He took a sip with a shudder.

“Why—”

Naturally, Harry was going to ask that. He felt his fleeting cheerfulness shrink back into oblivion.

“I’ve been feeling a bit off-color.” What an understatement, he thought. “This potion is the only thing that helps. I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape; there aren’t many wizards who are up to making it.” Not many who have the skill, rather. There hadn’t been much choice in the matter.

Remus nearly choked on the potion when Harry spoke, both from the words and the taste.

“Professor Snape’s very interested in the Dark Arts.”

 _This isn’t news, Harry_. He kept in a sigh. He knew very well there was bad blood between Harry and Snape. It was abundantly clear.

“Really?” He took another drink. Awful.

“Some people reckon— some people reckon he’d do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job.”

 _Please, Harry. Don’t even try to insinuate such a thing._ Snape would be the last person to poison him. He considered telling him so, but worried that it wouldn’t help. That it would somehow make the boy more suspicious. He wanted to move past this right away. Even the taste of the Wolfsbane Potion was better than the turn this conversation made. In that moment, Harry really did remind him of James this time. He drained the goblet.

“Disgusting. Well, Harry, I’d better get back to work. I’ll see you later at the feast.”

Once he was alone, he sat in silence, forcing back his tears. Remus hardly was able to sleep that night, waking up from nightmares every few hours. Reliving the moment when he found out of the deaths of James and Lily, that Peter was killed, and Sirius… he bit his lip nearly hard enough to make it bleed. Hoping for some sort of distraction, he got out some assignments he needed to grade.

After a couple hours, he realized he hardly got through any of them, his mind getting away from him several minutes at a time. He regarded the empty goblet and figured maybe he would return it.

Remus tapped on the office door as he usual did, but got no response. He tried once more a little louder just in case Snape just didn’t hear, but there was still nothing. He tested the door, but it was locked. Perhaps he really wasn’t in his office. It was a weekend after all, there was no reason to be there all day. Was he in his quarters then? A nervousness trickled into Remus’ chest.

“What are you doing here?” Snape caught him on his way through the dungeons.

“Ah, I…” for a split second, Remus forgot why he was there, “I wanted to return this. But you weren’t in your office.”

He lifted the goblet somewhat, which had long since stopped smoking.

“I see. Of course,” Snape said calmly in his silky voice. “Did Potter keep you all this time?”

Remus handed it to him with a breathy chuckle.

“No, no. I was trying to get some grading done, but found I just couldn’t concentrate,” he offered a forced smile, but Snape didn’t seem to react. “Er, I suppose I shouldn’t keep you then.”

He didn’t know what he was to do now. Try his hand at work again? But how could he work when James and Lily were dead? He could have helped them. But he— Why should he live when they— But he didn’t want Snape to be blamed for anything. Maybe Sirius should have ki— his thoughts were interrupted.

“Lupin, do you want to come in?”

Yes. Oh God yes, he couldn’t stand to be alone.

“Please,” he whispered. An inkling crept into his mind that Snape knew what he was thinking, unsurprising considering the man’s skills, but even so he didn’t think he would receive this gesture of benevolence.

It wasn’t as neat as Remus expected. For whatever reason, he expected Snape to be a particularly tidy person, but that didn’t appear to be the case as he walked into the little sitting room. It wasn’t dirty by any means, but it certainly had a lived-in, disheveled aesthetic. He supposed it made sense that after residing there so many years, one would collect a manner of chaos, in contrast to his own stark quarters. He was almost amused at a pile of books next to a wing chair. They were quite neatly stacked, but on the floor rather than on the bookshelf, in which there were obvious spaces where they were supposed to be.

“You can sit,” Snape made a vague motion and Remus sat politely on a deeply green canapé, which looked like it belonged in the Slytherin Common Room. “Which type of wine do you prefer?”

“Ah, I’m afraid I’m rather unknowledgeable on the subject.”

Snape looked to regard him for a moment, then got out two glasses before choosing a bottle of what was a white wine.

“Riesling,” he handed Remus the glass before sitting on the black wing chair.

It was a little sweet. Considering horrid bitterness was his main complaint about the Wolfsbane Potion, he found the choice quite thoughtful. They were quiet for a couple minutes until Snape spoke again rather firmly.

“Lupin. I rather hope I don’t have to watch you constantly to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.”

Remus shrunk into himself, looking to the floor.

“You _were_ looking into my thoughts.”

“They were exceptionally loud.”

“I’m sorry.” This wasn’t what he intended. He meant to be nudging Snape in the right direction, not the other way around.

“I’m keenly aware of what day it is today, Lupin. Letting you alone with your thoughts right now seems irresponsible. Potter at least seems untroubled.” That sounded bitter.

“Se- Snape, I would like to talk about absolutely anything else,” he let out a laugh just as bitter. “Besides, I thought you weren’t interested in my emotional ramblings.”

Snape breathed in deeply, but quietly.

“And I am not,” he paused. “But anything else may be acceptable.”

A wave of affection suddenly washed over Remus. Hopefully Snape wouldn’t mind the most mundane of topics. Anything that would make him not think about the Potters or Sirius.

***

“So what did Potter need?” Severus asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. The conversation had naturally pointed itself there, going from lesson plans to the silliest of homework answers to why you shouldn’t spend too much time in one’s office. He was actually quite amused about the student answer about Kappas having something to do with tea. Not that he allowed himself to laugh.

“Oh, ah…” Lupin started, “nothing in particular. I invited Harry in after running into him, seeing as he’s stuck here while his friends are having a good time.”

Severus could tell there was more, just by the other’s body language.

“There’s something else.”

“Once you left,” Lupin laughed dryly, “he immediately was quite suspicious of the potion you handed me. And frankly I wasn’t in the mood to handle his accusations, so I had to cut our meeting short.”

Lupin very much knew the two of them had an extremely poor relationship, so it surprised Severus that Lupin would dismiss Potter for his sake. It was oddly flattering.

“I wonder when the boy will finally learn I’m not the one orchestrating any devilry.”

“Indeed. He’s a good kid, but it appears he has a knack for holding grudges. No wonder you hate each other,” he smiled wryly, to lighten the insult Severus supposed.

“Not as good at grudges as I used to be,” Severus gestured between himself and Lupin. “Apparently.”

Lupin laughed again, but more sincerely.

“I prefer this. Also, my apologies if I overstepped earlier. I know I threw you off.”

It took a moment for Severus to realize what he was talking about.

“Ah. It’s… fine. Call me what you will,” he then added quickly, “As long as it’s actually my name.”

“Of course.”

Severus couldn’t remember the last time someone smiled at him so kindly.

Eventually, it was time for the feast. He watched Lupin throughout, who was currently chatting cheerfully with Professor Flitwick. Those distressed thoughts were pushed down for the time being, and Severus felt a spell of satisfaction before everything once again fell apart.

Everyone was heading in for the evening. The students already left for their dormitories, and Severus was waiting for Lupin to finish whatever he was telling McGonagall, as he wanted to settle a time for the Wolfsbane Potion the next day so they didn’t have to come looking for each other again. Before he had a chance, however, there was the sound of a commotion. The three of them rushed there, finding Dumbledore amidst a sea of frightened Gryffindors in front of their Common Room entrance. The Fat Lady was gone, the canvas slashed into strips.

“We need to find her,” Dumbledore was saying, requesting that Professor McGonagall go find Mr. Filch to aid in the search.

Peeves the Poltergeist was looking as horridly delighted at the sign of wreckage as he usually was, the fiendish grin fading only a little as he was questioned by the Headmaster. Severus felt an awful sinking as he saw Lupin’s face turn white as Peeves spoke.

“He got very angry when she wouldn’t let him in, you see. Nasty temper he’s got, that Sirius Black.”

They needed to perform a thorough search of the castle, but Lupin looked like he was about to completely fall to pieces.

“Meet me in your office, right now,” Severus hissed when he was sure no one else was listening. He got no argument, just a silent nod.

“This is obviously a shock to you,” Severus said quietly as he sat him down at the desk.

Lupin buried his face in his trembling hands, grasping at his hair.

“I don’t understand,” he said weakly. Severus let him talk. “I don’t understand. This- this isn’t the Sirius I knew. Sirius, he—”

His voice cracked, tears pattering on the desk as his shoulders shuddered violently.

“They were brothers, he and James. Anyone could tell you.”

“I know very well, Lupin. But his family—”

“No, you can’t understand,” his voice filled with desperation, tight and pained, eyes looking up at Severus sending him shattering despair and confusion. “You didn’t really know him like I did. The things he went through to get out of that. He _hated_ his family. Denounced their hatred of Muggles, wanted nothing to do with Dark Arts. You didn’t see the Sirius Black who used to cry to me after being abused by them.” Lupin had to stop a moment, a fit of sobs taking him over.

Severus did not know this. He knew Black had left his family home, as he was acquainted with Regulus, but he had no idea of the circumstances. Still, it wasn’t far-fetched to him that someone who thought it would be funny to use a werewolf as a ‘prank’ would at one point be pushed to murder. But he knew it was inappropriate to say so.

“He- he accepted me with open arms. He was one of the best friends someone could have. It just… it doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense.”

“Lupin,” Severus studied that ashen face. “I must help in the search of the castle. Please stay here.”

Lupin gave him a look of protest, clutching his sleeve to prevent him from leaving.

“Severus—”

This struck him deeply.

“I will come back for you,” carefully, he removed Lupin’s hand from his arm. “I promise.”

This seemed to placate him enough.

The search turned up nothing, which was not unexpected. He didn’t think Black was stupid enough to linger. Regardless, it was better to be safe.

“Do you have any theory as to how he got in, Professor?” Severus asked the Headmaster.

“Many, Severus, each of them unlikely as the next.”

What good were the Dementors then? He hated having them around as much as Dumbledore did, so they could at least do their job. He scowled, thinking that someone was able to sneak in and out of the castle without detection. Then again, compared to Azkaban, Hogwarts was probably child’s play.

Severus remembered the conversation he had with the Headmaster just before the start of term, when he expressed his concerns at the hiring of Remus Lupin. But thinking about the fractured state the werewolf was in, his genuine confusion and broken-heartedness, it felt horribly misguided. Besides, they had been with each other the entire evening.

He took a detour to his own office before coming back to Lupin, finding him laying his head on the desk, using his crossed arms as a pillow.

“We found nothing,” he clicked the door closed gently.

“Of course not,” Lupin barely whispered. 

As Severus stepped closer, he could see how tear-stained his face was. Not only that, but a scab forming on his lower lip. He took a vial out of the pockets of his robes and placed it on the desk.

“What’s this?”

“Dreamless Sleep. I figured you may need it tonight.” He had some ready for himself as well.

“Thank you. Will… will you stay a little while longer?”

“Yes.”


	4. To know just how He suffered — would be dear —

Remus examined the goblet of Wolfsbane Potion, aware its brewer was watching him. He admired the golden color, the delicate silver filigree. It was a prettier one than the previous month. It wouldn’t do anything for the taste, but he appreciated it all the same.

“I suppose I’ve been upgraded from bland steel,” he joked.

“Don’t think too much of it.”

Now that it had been a couple days after the disaster that was Halloween, Remus was able to look back on it more clearly. The fact that Snape stayed with him until he could barely keep his eyes open… no, Severus. He was Severus. The thought made the potion go down a little easier. He never expected they would be anything close to friendly. He only went in wanting the animosity to go away.

“Thank you for the other night, truly. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, Severus.” It felt nice on his lips. “I’m nothing but trouble for you.”

“Are you finished with that then?” Severus asked, motioning to the goblet.

“Yes, thank you,” he moved it forward to the other end of his desk.

“For clarity, I shall still be teaching your class while you are indisposed?”

“If you will, of course.” There was one more thing that had been quite bothering Remus, and he felt stupid for it. “I’m sorry to ask, but is there one more thing you could do for me?”

He received no verbal answer, but an expectant glance.

“Would you… cover the chapter on werewolves? I-I’m terribly afraid I may not be able to handle it. I know I probably sound like an idiot, but I feel ill whenever I think about it.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Severus’ voice was soothing. Remus fought a mad urge to take his hand.

***

Severus nearly smirked at the concerned faces staring back at him as the Defense Against the Dark Arts third years slowly trickled in. He said nothing, just standing quietly until the class was supposed to start. It was actually rather amusing how nervous they looked. The atmosphere in Potions the past several weeks had calmed, though naturally he still maintained effortless control over the students. To see him in an unusual context, however, appeared to unsettle them. He knew his eerie silence didn’t help.

The hour started, and he noticed Potter wasn’t there. He waited about a minute more, but wasn’t going to waste any more time. He began explaining that he was merely taking over for the day and that Professor Lupin would be back soon. Severus was vaguely irritated though, and he said as much, that Lupin didn’t make any note of how far he had gotten with the class. Yes, he didn’t need it, but it was the principle of the thing. It was ten minutes in when Potter finally decided to show up.

“Sorry I’m late Professor Lupin, I—” Potter stood in shock. Severus didn’t understand how one could be _ten_ minutes late to class. Did Lupin allow this sort of disrespect? He’d have a word with him.

“This lesson began ten minutes ago, Potter, so I think we’ll make it ten points from Gryffindor. Sit down.”

The boy had the audacity to keep standing.

“Where’s Professor Lupin?”

_Preparing for a night of suffering._

“He says he’s feeling too ill to teach today.” Severus believed it; Lupin looked like he felt horrid. He grimaced. “I believe I told you to sit down.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

Severus felt his temper rising. He would _definitely_ need a word.

“Nothing life-threatening,” he practically spat, angered further by the thought of Lupin hurting himself. “Five more points from Gryffindor, and if I have to ask you to sit down again, it will be fifty.”

He would bet gold that Potter still had that idea of him poisoning Lupin in his head. He wanted to give out a detention just for the vile thought.

“As I was saying before Potter interrupted, Professor Lupin has not left any record of the topics you have covered so far—”

Miss Granger spoke up, unprompted.

“Please, sir, we’ve done Boggarts, Red Caps, Kappas, and Grindylows, and we’re just about to start—”

Did Lupin always allow such interruptions in his class, or was it just Severus?

“Be quiet. I did not ask for information. I was merely commenting on Professor Lupin’s lack of organisation.” Even if he was picking up where Lupin left off, he knew very well where the class was. It was just a good habit to keep records, especially in the Defense post, so other instructors may know what to expect. Severus would bring that up too.

The class was quick to defend.

“He’s the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve ever had.” 

This came from Dean Thomas, in which Severus was just relieved it wasn’t one of the notorious trio. But he didn’t doubt it. Lupin was obviously competent. In fact, Severus thought he was underselling himself and thought he could stand to be a little more ambitious in his lessons.

“Lupin is hardly over-taxing you. I would expect…” but he trailed off with a sigh. Perhaps the instruction of the previous year was so poor, the class actually really needed time to catch up to where they were supposed to be. Still, he would honor the request. “Today we shall discuss werewolves.”

He was once again interrupted.

“But sir,” said Granger, “we’re not supposed to do werewolves yet, we’re due to start Hinkypunks—”

Severus took all the energy he could to restrain his anger. 

“Miss Granger, I was under the impression that I was taking this lesson, not you. And I am telling you all to turn to page three hundred and ninety-four.”

The disaster continued still. The propensity for argument the class had was astounding, as well as Granger’s inability to not show off. The other years, at least, were less of a hassle and almost enjoyable had the day not been tainted by the third years.

“So, how did it go?” asked Lupin. Severus groaned. “That bad?”

“Mostly fine. The third year class was of particular trouble. I took away twenty points and gave a detention within minutes.”

“Oh dear.”

The two of them walked out in the courtyards, the day chilly but sunny. Lupin had wanted some fresh air. Understandable.

“They seem to be unable to go a day without you,” Severus grumbled. “And the rudeness was staggering. Are you in the habit of letting your students talk out of turn and arrive horribly late?”

“What? No. Did they do that?” Lupin had the decency to look offended for him.

He huffed.

“Well at least it’s just me. I was hoping you don’t allow yourself to be stepped on like that.”

“I appreciate the concern, thank you. I’ll talk to them,” Lupin smiled, softly putting a hand on Severus’ arm. 

He felt his heart jump into his throat.

“I will still teach for you next time, if you need me to,” the words came out weaker than he intended.

“That’s kind of you, Severus. Also, I heard about the Quidditch match,” Lupin adjusted his scarf.

“Yes. Dumbledore was furious, as he should be.” It was a rare sight to see that kind of anger from the Headmaster, but well-deserved. Dementors had no business coming onto the grounds like that. As much as he butted heads with students, he never wished true harm against any of them, even Potter.

“I was thinking of teaching Harry the Patronus Charm. Considering he’s far more affected by the Dementors than most of the other students…”

“I agree,” Severus wasn’t surprised to see Lupin turn to him quickly, brows raised. “It may be like pulling teeth with him, but if he could produce at least a non-corporeal patronus, that would be good.”

“Glad to hear. I do wish we had gotten some cocoa from the kitchens before we came out here,” Lupin chuckled, his breath visible in the cold air.

“You’re the one who wanted to go outside.”

“I needed to be out of the castle, even just for a little while. How about a spot of tea by the fire when we go back?”

That sounded like the loveliest thing in the world. Nice on its own, but it was Lupin’s enthusiasm about it that he couldn’t say no to.

“My quarters or yours?”

“Yours. I’m tired of being in mine for three days straight. And yours is surprisingly inviting and warm for being in the dungeons,” he hummed in thought. “That suits you.”

“Don’t let the location cloud your judgement. The dungeons are quite comfortable if you make it so,” Severus felt his cheeks start to warm. “You were rather blasé about taking things from the kitchens. I’m sure that used to be a pastime of yours.”

“Of course! Some of the elves even knew me by name,” Lupin gave him a cheeky grin. “Perhaps a few are still there. We needed snacks for those late-night sessions of chess. The muggle kind, since it’s quieter. So exploding snap was out of the question too after curfew.”

It was awfully hard to imagine the other three playing chess.

“I’m sure you weren’t to be reckoned with.” As much as Severus hated thinking about _them_ , he had to remind himself they were an inseparable part of Lupin’s life.

“Oh, no! While I appreciate your confidence, the only person I was consistently able to beat was Peter. I was only able to win against James half the time,” Lupin hesitated a moment. “A few times, I supposedly won against Sirius, but I knew he let me.”

“Well. If you play against me, you’ll really have to work for that win.”

“Oh I’m positive. I don’t think I could beat you either.”

“You flatter me, Lupin.”

“I mean what I say.”

Severus knew it to be true. He wasn’t being appeased. What he didn’t understand was why Lupin insisted on being around him. Truthfully, he liked it, but Lupin was a kind, enjoyable person. He was not.

“Why do you spend your time with me?”

Lupin stopped walking, looking at him almost shyly.

“I like your company. I like your dry humor and insight and forthrightness. I wish we did this years ago.”

Years ago. He wondered if they had befriended each other back then, that he would have gone down a different path. A better one. Of course, it was too late for that now. But he thought perhaps it happening now was better than not at all. After all, he too enjoyed Lupin’s company, more than he could have imagined.

“I’m sure your friends would have been absolutely thrilled,” he smirked.

“Oh they would get over it. I mean, I hope so. I’m far more of a scary monster than you are.”

Severus prepared to argue against Lupin’s self-deprecating humor, but the thought died as he watched Lupin laugh so joyously. The interesting little scar on his upper lip, the ones on his cheek and along the bridge of his nose. The brown of his hair, which had so many tones in it, from a chestnut to a light honey. His eyes, slightly squinted in laughter, had hints of gold flecks within the olive green. With the way the autumn sun was reflecting off his features, it reminded Severus of drops of Felix Felicis. It suddenly, plainly occurred to him: Remus Lupin was _beautiful_.

***

Remus made himself comfortable on the green canapé, watching as Severus prepared the tea. He thought perhaps it was impolite to be staring like that, but he moved so gracefully, it was fascinating to watch him work, no matter what it was. Instead of sitting across from him, Severus sat beside him this time. Remus’ heart sped up as their fingers brushed when he was handed his cup.

“Thanks,” he tried to sound as calm as possible.

Severus thought for a moment, then got out his wand and pointed it to the fireplace, turning the flames a pale silvery blue. He then performed another nonverbal charm, and in the entire room the lights went off but in their stead appeared a multitude of small, shimmering orbs of light as if the night sky came down to meet them. Remus stared in amazement. He had never seen that sort of charm before.

“That’s magnificent,” he breathed out. “What is it?”

“ _Opto stellae,_ ” Severus answered.

“Of your own creation?” He got a nod of confirmation. Remus looked out into the room, smiling. “I’m glad to see that you’re still in the habit of spell creation, and that it’s something so lovely.”

“As I said, the dungeons are comfortable if you make them so.”

He turned his gaze back toward Severus. Remus found that the lighting very much heightened the otherworldly quality he possessed, which was simultaneously ethereal yet plutonic somehow. The dichotomy was fascinating. It was those eyes in particular that drew him in. They were a moonless night sky, and provided him comfort in their darkness. Especially now, as they were no longer filled with vitriol.

“Severus… I’ve been thinking recently, and realized how little I actually know about your life. I realize you may just not want to talk about it, I do know you’re a rather private person, but I truly want to know you. If you’re willing to talk about even a few things…”

Severus’ expression was unreadable. He was quiet a while, as if thinking over his willingness to share.

“Very well,” he said softly. “As long as you give me the same courtesy afterward.”

“Sure. I suppose I’ll start, well, at the beginning. You grew up close to Lily, am I right? You were friends in childhood.”

“Yes,” Severus’ fingers curled slightly. “We both lived close by in Cokeworth. We were very poor. My family.”

Remus nodded. He was able to tell throughout their years at Hogwarts.

“I figured as much. What… were your parents like?” This was one of the questions he was afraid to ask, but he wanted his suspicions confirmed and blanks filled. The subject clearly made Severus uncomfortable too, but he answered regardless.

“My mother was an unremarkable witch despite coming from the Prince family. But she could do magic, which to a young child was the most remarkable thing in the world.” His face tightened. “My father was a muggle and a good-for-nothing drunk who found the concept of magic worthy of the back of his hand.”

Remus fought back his urge to say sorry. He did feel sorry for him, but knew Severus would hate for him to say it out loud. To be abused at home, then escape to school only to be bullied more. It made his stomach turn. His Slytherin housemates probably accepted him, of course he would follow them. Remus understood that very well.

“You found solace within the Dark Arts and those in that circle. You were friends with Lucius Malfoy, then Avery and Mulciber. They made you feel normal and wanted.”

Remus barely caught it, but he saw the other’s hands shake very so slightly.

“It appears…” Severus let out a breath, “we have something in common.”

“Indeed we do.”

There was a bout of silence, Remus afraid to verbalise the question he had on his mind. One he often thought about. He was about to speak, but backed out multiple times.

“Lupin, I know what you want to ask,” Severus didn’t sound angry, but his voice was very straightforward. “Just ask it.”

Remus averted his gaze.

“You did end up joining, didn’t you? You were a Death Eater.”

“Was. Yes.”

He anticipated that answer, but regardless, he didn’t know what to say to it. Sparing him, Severus spoke more, his body tense and rigid.

“I defected. I defected and desperately came to Dumbledore twelve years ago, almost exactly. He… he gave me this post. A second chance,” he let out a sarcastic laugh. “Even if it wasn’t jinxed, he probably would never let me near the Defense post, lest I slip…”

A coldness seeped through Remus. Twelve years. After Voldemort disappeared, many Death Eaters claimed innocence and returned to everyday life, no one able to prove their guilt even though everyone really knew. Lucius Malfoy, for instance. He felt a flash of doubt toward Severus, but it was soon dispelled.

“It was before we knew he disappeared,” Severus went on, seemingly knowing he had to defend himself. “The moment I learned he killed them…”

“When Voldemort… you knew,” he whispered. “You knew he was after the Potters.”

“I found out,” Severus’ voice became strained like he was holding back tears, grasping the cloth of the sofa so tightly it nearly could rip. “I begged him not to. I begged him not to kill them.”

He tried to save them. Severus wasn’t going to just let his childhood friend die. But—

“Even James? Why? You hated him.”

“I owed him a life debt.”

“Of course,” Remus sighed. From their fifth year. He hadn’t realized, but it should have been obvious. The guilt Severus must feel at not being able to save them.

“If you can’t bear to look at me ever again, I—”

It was the most despair he had ever seen in the eyes of Severus Snape. The most pain and regret and Remus knew he’d been carrying it for all these years. He knew deep down he was the first person since Severus came to Dumbledore to see him like this, emotions open and unfurled. He _believed_ Severus.

Without allowing himself to think about it more, Remus embraced him. He heard a small gasp as he vaguely wondered the last time Severus received affection like this. He thought maybe he would be pushed away, but as thin trembling arms cautiously wrapped around him, he held him tighter.

***

Severus could hardly breathe as he attempted to take control of his betraying emotions, but he wasn’t going to cry. He hadn’t for twelve years. He remembered clearly the last time someone embraced him. Lily, parting ways at King’s Cross after their third year. Their friendship started to deteriorate after that. It was all his fault. That quick goodbye hug was nothing like this. He felt Lupin’s warmth through their robes, and as he buried his face, caught the faint scent of chamomile. His presence was there, completely enveloping Severus. It was an embrace of forgiveness. He didn’t want to let go.

“Severus…” Lupin lightly rubbed his back, “you didn’t kill them. You weren’t their Secret-Keeper.”

He may as well have, in his mind. After all, he told Voldemort the incomplete prophecy. But that was between him and Dumbledore. And surely, surely Lupin would loathe him if he knew. It was true though, he didn’t betray their location. He tried to hold onto that.

“It should have been you,” he said finally. He heard Lupin breathe deeply and lightly clutch the fabric of his robes. Severus could hardly believe neither of them pulled away yet. Perhaps they were both that desperate for human contact.

“Perhaps,” Lupin let out a half-hearted laugh. “Trust was hard to come by at the time.”

Lupin seemed to have noticed how long they had been holding each other and finally pulled away, but kept a hand on his arm an extra moment longer.

“I’m sorry if I made you too uncomfortable,” he told Severus. “I’m probably the last person you want touching you.”

“Please, I would have hexed you in an instant if I wasn’t alright with it. And Lupin,” despite the nerves he felt, Severus looked him in the face. “Nowadays, I would trust you with my life if need be.”

“That means a lot to me.” After a few more seconds, Lupin looked away quickly. “Sorry that got emotional. I should have figured it would.”

For the first time in a long time, Severus felt like he could open up to someone. If it was Lupin, he felt comfortable. After all, the danger of falling for the man was a real possibility. He tried to push the thought from his mind. There was no way it could ever be reciprocated. 

“It was inevitable. I knew this when I agreed.” For Severus, this solidified their relationship, whatever type of relationship it was. He needed Lupin to know his past. That he was accepted anyway was everything. He managed a small smirk. “You’re too good to me, Lupin. Hard to believe you almost ate me.”

His timing was the worst, as Lupin had chosen that moment to pick his cup of tea back up and take a sip. He nearly spit it out as he laughed at Severus’ statement.

“Thanks for that.”

“Not a problem. Speaking of…” Severus’ smirk faded, “how old were you?”

“I did say I’d extend the same courtesy, didn’t I? I was nearly five.”

Severus knew he was young. He knew the Whomping Willow was planted the year they started, so Lupin already was turned by then, but that was so, _so_ young. Lupin would hardly remember a time before, if at all. The thought truly upset him.

“It… it was an act of vengeance, you could say,” Lupin continued. “My father is a good man, don’t get me wrong, and a very good parent. But he openly stated some rather unflattering opinions on werewolves. And Fenrir Greyback wasn’t too keen on it.”

Greyback.

“And he has a habit of targeting children,” Severus grimaced. Even during his time as a Death Eater, he was disgusted by Greyback’s sick fancies. Especially after his father’s comments, Remus was a prime target. “How did your parents handle it?”

“They supported me in every way possible,” Remus smiled in a nostalgic way. “Too much, I could say. For years, tried to find anything that could cure me, spending every sickle and knut they could. Eventually there was nothing else they could do, but we would have to move every so often once neighbors started getting suspicious.”

Severus really started to see how Remus ended up being such a kind and supportive person. That’s what he learned.

Interrupting his own thoughts, he realized he was just thinking of him as Remus. Not Lupin. Suddenly a little frazzled, it took a moment for him to get some semblance of thought back together.

“They seemed like good people.”

“Yes, very much so,” Remus laughed. “You know how they met?”

“Do I want to know?” Severus focused on the question, pushing down the nerves that were once again trying to take over.

“A Boggart,” he chuckled. “My mother was a muggle you see, and accidentally came across a Boggart. My father happened to be nearby and ‘saved’ her from it. Of course, he explained later there wasn’t any real danger.”

Severus now understood why Remus thought it was funny. Clearly Lupins and Boggarts had a history. He huffed, though in slight amusement.

“No wonder you have a knack for them.”

“On that note, I think I should apologize for that incident. I admit it was a little tasteless.”

“Don’t concern yourself with it, but thank you. There wasn’t really much you could have done except choose some other ridiculous scenario to put me in. Whatever it was, they were going to laugh.” He had to admit to himself, he was less angry at Remus for it, as it wasn’t his fault for what the Boggart turned into, but at the situation as a whole. But people were easier targets. “Though perhaps they would have laughed less if you went with Professor McGonagall rather than Longbottom’s grandmother even if I would have been less offended.”

Remus snorted trying not to laugh.

“Was it the vulture hat?”

“Definitely the vulture hat.”

“Alright, not a fan of stuffed birds then. In any case, I know you wanted an apology before, and I finally thought I should…”

“Everything you said was true. I cannot be like you, but I still,” he hesitated in order to find the words, “needed to change my behavior. I loath to admit it, but scores have increased on average. I don’t doubt there’s a correlation.”

Remus chuckled.

“I might be worried if you turn into me. You certainly don’t need to be their friend, and I don’t think anyone expects you to be, but I’m sure you can maintain a healthy respect from them.”

Respect. For so long he could not separate the concept of respect from that of fear. Fear was necessary. It was hard to unlearn that it was not. He used to fear Remus, but did not respect him. Now, he had great respect, and no fear. Only fondness.

“I can only wish for that to be so,” he glanced at the clock. “It appears we should head to supper shortly.”

“Oh! Already? Will you come with me today, Severus?”

He loved hearing Remus say his name. He never felt strongly about his given name, his hatred reserved for his surname, but hearing it from that comforting voice almost made him like it.

“Yes. There's no reason otherwise." Severus restored the lights as they originally were before they headed to the door. However, he stopped as his hand touched the handle.

"I wanted to say one more thing before we leave,” he continued, hating the pressure in his chest as he was looked at in curiosity. “I forgive you, Remus. For all of it.”

As Severus looked him in the eye, he felt the same overwhelming, flustered feeling as when Remus first called him by name. Right now, however, he couldn’t tell which of them those feelings belonged to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking dialogue directly from the source material and recontextualizing it is awfully fun lol. So is thinking up spells. It's a shame the series doesn't really get into the process of spell creation, but it seems like it's more difficult than one would think since people aren't doing so all the time. So... Severus creating spells in his school years is probably really impressive. I just sometimes think about how brilliant Severus actually is and how successful he could have been if he never joined Voldemort and focused his ambition elsewhere. His skill in Legilimency is also interesting to ponder. While it's a skill that is generally learned, I like to think he always had a particular gift for it.


	5. My Heart ran so to thee

When Remus returned to teaching at the beginning of the week, it went about as expected. He tried very hard not to laugh, but nevertheless couldn’t help but smile in amusement at the students’ complete indignance. Honestly he didn’t think three rolls of parchment was that bad for an essay, but perhaps it would be better suited to the older years. Otherwise, he and Severus had discussed more in detail everything that had happened during that class. And he did agree the class was a bit behind. It was clear to him the first week of term.

“How about this?” he decided to compromise. “The essay will be extra credit for whomever wishes to do it.”

This appeased everyone, as Miss Granger already had it finished and no one else wanted to do it. That was fine. He had so much work to catch up on, he didn’t need to give himself extra.

Unsurprisingly, Harry was happy about the prospect of being able to defend himself against the Dementors, though Remus decided to wait until after the holiday to start the lessons.

***

“Didn’t they used to hate each other?” said Ron, making a face at the staff table in the Great Hall.

Harry definitely remembered the beginning of term, seeing Snape give Professor Lupin that look of horrific loathing usually reserved for him. The past few months were increasingly unusual after that. Looking at them now, Professor Lupin was saying something to Snape quite cheerfully, and Snape’s expression was almost _light_. In fact, he could see the hint of a smirk.

“I don’t think Professor Lupin ever hated Professor Snape,” Hermione explained. “It was only one-sided. But it seems as though they’ve gotten over it.”

“Oh certainly,” said George. “We’ve seen them walking around together. They’re definitely friendly.”

***

This was stupid. He was being idiotic. Remus packed up his notes with a sigh as Severus left after the staff meeting. He was normally a diligent note-taker, but today, his parchment was a bit sparse.

“If I could borrow your attention for a moment, Remus?” asked the Headmaster.

“Er, yes of course,” he responded, pushing down the faint spark of panic. It was probably obvious that he wasn’t quite paying attention through some of the meeting.

“I have been concerned about how you have been handling everything. The work of a teacher mustn't be underestimated, and you have more to contend with than the others. Not to mention this situation must be hard on you. Seeing as you weren’t quite present today, I thought it reasonable that I should say something.”

“Oh!” Remus felt a little better to know it was care rather than anger. Dumbledore was correct that those things were weighing on him, but he wasn’t about to lie about those being the reason his mind was elsewhere. “Thanks very much for the concern, Headmaster, but I’m alright. I’m not about to break from the pressure.”

After all, he had someone who possessed the uncanny ability to calm him. 

“My apologies for my lack of attention today. I’ll try not to allow my mind to get away from me again.”

“Is there something else bothering you?” Dumbledore asked kindly. Remus offered half a smile.

“Merely a matter of the heart, Professor. Not much one can do about it.”

“Ah, of course. Certainly a distracting thing,” the Headmaster said in that knowing tone befitting a grandparent, yet with a glimmer of slyness in blue eyes. “However, I’m sure you and Severus can resolve whatever issue there may be.”

Remus felt his face heat up. His immediate impulse was to deny it, but he knew it would be a blatant lie. He really was very fond of Severus, and found himself attracted to him. He felt a little ridiculous for this fancy of his, like he was still a schoolboy, but feared it would turn into something more. He really did have a questionable taste in people. Perhaps being the creature he was, he had a penchant for those who gravitated toward the Dark.

It wasn’t until he was nearly to his office that he realized the connotation of what Dumbledore said. The Headmaster spoke about them as if they were already in a romantic relationship. How optimistic. 

Remus was so, so grateful for their friendship. As least, that’s what he assumed it was. They hadn’t expressed their friendship out loud, but it certainly was what they were. Friendly acquaintances or even colleagues didn’t have the type of conversations they did sometimes. Crying was only reserved for close friends. That said, no matter how much he wanted Severus, he found there was no way he would want a werewolf.

“Ah, you’re still working. Apologies,” Severus said as he walked into Remus’ office.

“It’s alright. I’m nearly finished with these ones. I can do the rest tomorrow.” Remus’ eyes brightened. “Please, sit if you want. I’d love to have your company if you don’t mind me being terribly boring as I get through these.”

“Not a problem,” Severus sat, examining the assignments curiously. “What did Dumbledore want?”

“Oh, not much. He was checking in on me to see if everything was going alright,” he stared intently at the parchment, rereading an answer as he realized he wasn’t paying attention to what it said the first time.

“Is it?”

“Yes. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me, if that’s what you’re doing.”

“And why should I not?” Severus didn’t avert his gaze even when Remus did. He knew at the start his motivation was avoiding somehow contributing to Remus’ thoughts of harming himself. He didn’t want the guilt. But he was aware it was now sincere worry, as he truly cared about his well being.

Remus froze, quill still in hand.

“You don’t need to concern yourself with my problems. I rather that you focus on taking care of yourself. I… I know you’re unhappy, deeply so. I know we feel similarly. I worry about you as well, you know. Please don’t pile my burdens on top of your own. I don’t wish that upon you.”

Severus fought down the emotions boiling under the surface. Remus knew. He could tell, probably from the beginning. He realized suddenly that ever since their ridiculous little agreement, Remus was trying to help him. He started taking better care of himself, eating more properly. Not that those things would be some sort of cure for how he felt, but feeling physically better did help, even if by the smallest bit. And to forgive his Death Eater past… How could he possibly be cared for that much? Remus wasn’t a burden; he helped him get out of bed in the morning.

“Remus,” he said calmly. “I care about what happens to you. If you don’t wish me to worry, then don’t give me reasons to worry.”

“That…” Remus’ thought got momentarily caught in his throat, “that means a great deal to me, Severus.”

After looking at him a few seconds longer, Severus grabbed some of the assignments that hadn’t been graded yet, and summoned a quill.

“Oh, you don’t have to—”

“I would like to help.”

Remus couldn’t argue against that.

“Thank you.” His voice was small.

“Don’t worry. I will try and match your leniency and not grade them as if it were Potions.” Severus gave him the slightest smile.

Remus thought he might have just fallen in love with Severus right there.

“Thanks again for your help. I was falling awfully behind,” said Remus on the way to his quarters. “I’m sure you have your own work to do.”

Severus took a moment before answering, debating whether or not he should explain. Part of him thought he should be honest, but part of him knew Remus would worry. It was odd to think they worried about each other.

“I could not sleep the other night and managed to finish nearly everything I needed to at the time.”

Yes, there was that look of worry.

“Oh. No wonder you were even quieter than usual. Did you sleep better last night then?”

“I did. No need for concern.”

Remus’ living space was clean and rather empty aside from the furnishings. The Defense professors’ quarters had of course seen many occupants in the past fifty years, where the Potions Masters’ only saw two. Severus could only imagine how obnoxious the room would have looked the previous year. When it came to Remus, Severus knew it was because he didn’t have much to bring in the first place. Otherwise, it was shrewd for the Defense professor to not get too comfortable. He let out an amused puff of air.

“You still have your House scarf,” he said, motioning to the scarf hanging on the coat rack.

“Yes.” Remus’ cheeks tinged pink. “Even if I don’t wear it much anymore, I like seeing it. Do you not have yours?”

“I do.” He didn’t think he could ever get rid of it. “It’s just put away.”

“You know what might be fun? We should wear them during the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Quidditch match. A bit of _healthy_ competition for once.”

Severus found Remus’ earnest little laugh to be incredibly charming. After considering it a moment, Remus took the scarf and put it loosely around his neck before sitting on the squishy maroon sofa, putting his feet up. Severus sat next to him, watching him fondly.

“Alright. Though I feel as though there should be other stakes involved. Nothing drastic, but if it is to be a competition, there should be some punishment for the Gryffindor. I mean, the loser,” a wry smile teased at the corner of his lips.

“Are you actually being _playful_?” Remus grinned. “Alright, when Gryffindor wins, you have to wear the red and gold scarf for the full weekday after. Of course, I would do the equivalent, but that isn’t going to happen, so…”

“Hmph. We’ll see, Lupin.” For the first time he could recall, he used Remus’ surname jokingly. The thought of Remus in Slytherin regalia, however, he liked a bit too much. “How about we extend this to the Ravenclaw matches? Whichever House beats them after the holiday.”

“Oh, you’re on, Snape.” There was a competitive spark in Remus’ eyes.

“You’ll come to appreciate green and silver.”

“We do love the colors of home, don’t we?” Remus put a hand on the old scarf lovingly. He regretted the statement as the mood sobered. “Now that I’m here again, I don’t want to leave.”

“Do you not have somewhere to go back to?” Severus felt like he knew the answer. Even if he didn’t like Spinner’s End, he at least had somewhere to live during the summers.

Remus shook his head. Severus thought not.

“Was it always like that after you left school?” he continued. “Surely they wouldn’t let you…”

He trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought.

“No,” Remus sighed deeply. “James provided for me. I told him he really didn’t have to, but he insisted. I’m still so grateful for his generosity, but of course it only lasted a few years. Then after that, it wasn’t as though I would be able to upkeep Sirius’ flat.”

“I see,” Severus said softly. He still couldn’t shake his hatred of James Potter, but especially hearing this, he recognized he must have been a truly good friend to Remus. He couldn’t be angry that they were friends if Remus was treated so well. At the mention of Black, he was immediately uncomfortable, a thought that nagged at him since they were in school coming back to him. It didn’t bother him much then, only annoyed by not knowing for certain, but now he needed to know. “I was wondering about something, but I apologize if it is wholly inappropriate of me to ask.”

“Yes?” Remus couldn’t think of any question that would offend him, but was wary nevertheless.

Severus felt his nerves spike at the thought of asking.

“First, I want to say I appreciate that Potter was so good to you. I will give him credit for that.”

“Oh, for him to hear you say that,” Remus tried to diffuse the tension. “What is it?”

“Were you and Black…” Severus knew before he finished asking, as Remus’ face fell as he realized what was about to be asked, “romantically involved?”

After a hesitation, Remus nodded stiffly.

“Please, I mean no judgement. The only modicum of judgement I have is that it was Black.” Severus recognized his handsomeness and how he charmed much of the student population. Still, Severus hated him, even more so now. “I just wanted to confirm my suspicions. Were you trying to keep it secret?”

“Yes but no," Remus relaxed a little. "We never told James. Stealing kisses when we thought he wasn't looking, finding time to be alone… he did figure it out, but didn’t say anything for a long time. We were pretty sure he knew for a while, but we thought it was a fun game. Eventually he did give us a hint that he knew exactly what we were playing at. I think he appreciated our dedication to maintaining an open secret. After all, sneaking around is a Marauders specialty.”

“On brand,” Severus said sardonically. “When did it start?”

“Our sixth year. All the way until—” his words got caught, and he took a deep breath. “Everything started to break down the months before the Potters’ murder. There was talk of a spy, and everyone started to distrust each other. I knew I was a target. I would hear my name whispered among the Order.” He laughed dryly. “It’s only natural the werewolf would be first. Sirius would defend me, but eventually I saw it. A quick flash of doubt in his eyes. Which, of course, I must have been imagining, or misinterpreted. At the time, the thought of it broke my heart. That he would even think that I would— I wasn’t even offended when James and Lily didn’t choose me as their Secret-Keeper. Like I said, James and Sirius were practically brothers, of course they’d choose him.”

Hearing all of this made Severus upset. Even though he knew there must have been something between Remus and Black, it still felt bitter jealousy at hearing it aloud. But it wasn’t just that. It was how Remus was quickly a suspect based on something he had no control over. And it was the shame Severus felt knowing not too long ago, he would have thought the same way.

He hated himself for the next question plaguing his mind.

“Would you go back to him? Were he to be innocent… or otherwise,” he was afraid to look at Remus.

“No.” Severus’ eyes shot up. Remus went on, “If he really is guilty, I cannot forgive nor love him again. Even if it wasn’t him, it has been a long time. I would of course love to have him and his friendship back in my life. Truly. But I don’t think we could return to how things were before. I’ve moved on.”

Remus had started to think he’d never fall in love again. Distancing himself from others to not grow too attached, and telling himself he wasn’t worth the trouble and stress worked for over a decade. He would never have conceived that his heart would lead him to Severus Snape. He was angry at himself for it. For wanting him so badly but not wanting him to have to deal with a werewolf longer than necessary. Besides, it was a miracle Severus even liked him at all.

“I see,” it gave Severus a terrible satisfaction to be told all of this. Nevertheless, he told himself it meant nothing. Remus could do much better. After all, Black had probably been the most desired person in the school during their years there. But it was Remus who won. Naturally, it was. Remus was wonderful. “I wish I could confirm anything. We knew there was a spy from Dumbledore’s side helping us, but no one knew who it was, aside from Voldemort himself.”

“Severus?”

He recognized Remus’ tone as being the same as when he was asked about joining Voldemort.

“Yes?”

“Did you kill people during your time as a Death Eater?”

A pain spread through his chest.

“No. That wasn’t my job. That type of thing was left to those who reveled in it,” Severus said bitterly, thinking of the likes of Mulciber and Lestrange. He did awful things, and he regretted every bit of it. But he didn’t take for granted the fact he never used the killing curse even once in his life.

“I’m so glad,” Remus whispered.

“Yes. I as well.” In an instance of recklessness, he took one of Remus’ hands in both of his own. He was immediately relieved the gesture wasn’t rejected. Instead, he felt fingers curl around his. “I did terrible things during those years, Remus. I don’t want to understate that. But my soul is at least clean of murder. And I intend to keep it that way.”

“You’re better than that, Severus. I’m so glad you were able to get out. The one good thing to come out of tragedy, I suppose. I hope… I can keep it that way for myself as well. I get so afraid I’ll wake up and find someone else’s blood on me. I try to be as far away from people as possible, but still—”

“Remus. You handle your situation with more strength and goodness than I ever could. You are incredibly admirable. You never asked for any of it. I put myself in my situation.”

“I’m sorry,” Remus sat rigidly, putting all his effort into shoving his emotions back down. “I’m really trying not to cry at you again. You’re probably tired of it.”

“It’s alright,” Severus shook his head. “I mean, it’s alright that you come to me. I’m pleased that you feel like you can. I do not think it’s alright that you must suffer so. But I rather have you in my life than not. Just know that.”

That did it. Remus was embarrassed as tears escaped his eyes, but Severus looked at him with not one hint of judgement. Instead, Severus lifted a hand, softly wiping his cheek with a swipe of his thumb. His hands were rough despite their elegance, but his touch was delicate and gentle.

“What do you say to a trip to the kitchens?” Severus asked lightly. “We can secure some mince pies. You seem to like those.”

“That… sounds really wonderful.”

They headed down to the kitchens, amusing themselves by sneaking past Filch despite being professors. Even Severus had a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. Their hearts felt so light as both of them, for the first time in a long time, felt wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has a safe and lovely weekend :)


	6. Extol thee —  could I? Then I will

“Severus, Severus!” Remus rushed to catch up with him, tapping on his arm playfully with a cheeky grin. The morning classes were done, and everyone was heading to lunch. “So I gave back those assignments today. You should have seen their faces! It was hilarious once they noticed half of them were in your handwriting. You write very tiny by the way.”

It was encouraging to see Remus in a good mood. In fact, Severus thought this cheerful demeanor was actually  _ cute _ . 

“I’m sure they were rather shaken when they realized.” Severus smirked.

“Yes, there was an undeniable hint of panic. But they soon saw that your grading was actually reasonable. I did briefly look over them.”

He huffed at Remus’ teasing tone.

“They were better than the assignments on Kappas. You were far too generous. But based on what I read, your lessons on Hinkypunks went much better.”

“Perhaps I was just better at teaching it, having first-hand experience.”

“It showed.”

“And thank you again.” Remus resisted turning the compliment around. “If I can repay you for your help somehow…?”

Severus tried to ignore how suggestive that could sound. It was certainly not intended that way. Still, he was going to accept the offer of a favor. Any chance to be able to do something with Remus.

“Well, I wouldn’t say no to you buying me lunch again.”

“Alright!” Remus nearly said ‘it’s a date then’, but bit his tongue. Even if he said it jokingly, he wasn’t sure if it would be taken well. “Whenever you’d like.”

“Let me get my cloak. Unless today is too soon?” Severus looked at him with such an earnest expression, his dark eyes glittering, Remus felt his soul try to leave his body.

“No, it’s fine. Great. It’s great.”

“How are you feeling, Remus?” Severus asked, taking a sip of his mulled mead. “I know I have to start on your potion this week.”

“I’m fine.” He paused at Severus’ disbelieving stare. “I’m fine in terms of the moon. It’s still a touch early for me to be feeling the effects just yet.”

“And otherwise?”

“Not the worst. I’ve been having some relatively good days recently. Honestly it makes me nervous, not knowing when my luck is going to run out and I’ll take a turn for the worse again. What about yourself?”

“About the same as you, it seems.” There was so much more Severus wanted to say, but felt uncomfortable doing so in public, even if no one was listening to them. “I suppose we should be grateful for it while it lasts.”

“I really am. And Severus, I’m here if you ever need someone to listen. I worry about you.”

Why was Remus so good to him? It made everything so much more difficult on his heart. Before he could say anything, a pretty witch walked up to their table.

“Er, pardon. We were wondering if you needed this?” She put a hand on the extra chair they had. A few friends of hers were at another table, and were short a seat.

“No, that’s fine,” Remus answered, smiling in his friendly way.

“Thanks. Er,” the woman smiled a bit awkwardly, “I’m sorry to ask, but are you spoken for? I’m asking for a friend. She thought you were rather handsome.”

Severus felt a lurch of possessiveness at the question, made worse at the hint of a blush on Remus’ cheeks. However, it dissipated as Remus gave his answer.

“I’m quite flattered, and I’m sure she’s an absolutely lovely girl, but I’m afraid I’m not looking for a relationship at this time. My apologies.”

“Oh. I see. I- I’ll let her know. Thanks for the chair.” There was a distinct flash of disappointment in her eyes before she went back to her table. Severus took a particularly large drink.

“Did you mean that, or was that your way of avoiding telling her you prefer men?” he asked uncomfortably. Remus furrowed his brows, biting his lip in the way Severus noticed he did when he was anxious.

“A bit of both,” he murmured. “I’m not someone who should be in a relationship. It doesn’t matter what my feelings are. I’d be too much of a danger. Besides, my condition is probably a deal-breaker in the first place.”

Severus wanted to shout out that he would provide the Wolfsbane Potion every month until the end if it meant they could be together. Not that his actual words were much better.

“Sirius Black doesn’t count then?”

Remus sighed.

“We were both… a bit reckless. Even me, during our teenage years. He was never properly afraid of me, and I let my emotions cloud my judgement. I could hardly fathom that someone could love me like that and it meant so much to me, but I easily could have hurt him by accident.”

“That isn’t particularly just,” Severus grumbled. “For anyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“If someone is truly in love with you and knows full well what he’s getting into, are you going to trample his heart like that even if your feelings are the same? That is his own choice.” It had been quite a while, but for the first time in a long time, Remus realized Severus was speaking to him in anger. “And don’t give me some horseshit about not deserving it, because you’re more deserving of love than most people I know.”

Remus felt as though the heat of his face could melt the frost from the windows and dearly hoped it didn’t look like it felt. Of all things he could say, he internally screamed at himself for his stupid brain going for a joke. So stupid for hiding the truth in plain sight.

“Careful,” he said hoarsely, his smile crooked. “Say things like that, and I might fall for you. I doubt you want that.”

That Remus would even insinuate it was a possibility. That Severus wasn’t so appalling and repugnant and out of the question.

“Are your standards really that low? You can clearly do much better.”

“You give yourself too little credit. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

They stared at each other, frozen. Neither of them could figure out whether the other person was trying to be merely flattering as a boost of confidence, or if there was genuine mutual interest. And  _ certainly _ no one was going to ask which it was.

Remus desperately looked for a way to change the subject, fighting through the fuzziness of his mind. He cleared his throat, looking away.

“Er, Severus. I was wondering… when you start on the potion, would I be able to watch? I’m terribly interested in the process. Though if it would be too distracting to have someone else there, I understand. It’s a difficult one.”

Severus was so grateful for the subject change. He pushed his embarrassment away the most he could to consider the question. If it was his first time making the Wolfsbane Potion, he would certainly say no as it was one of the more complex things he’s had to brew. By now, though, he was sure he had made it enough times that someone else being there wouldn’t be a problem. That it was Remus made it a little more complicated. It may be a little more difficult to not get distracted, but at the same time, he really wanted him to be there.

“That would be alright. Just please don’t take offense if I tune out everything around me.”

“Of course. I won’t take it personally. I wouldn’t want to cause a mistake.”

“If I did make a mistake I would start again, but I rather not. I’m afraid I wouldn’t know how to fix it if something was off.”

“Didn’t think I’d see the day when  _ your _ knowledge is limited,” Remus teased.

“Shut it,” Severus grumbled, hiding the pink of his cheeks behind his glass.

Over the next few days, their conversation took over Severus’ mind. He hadn’t even noticed the Weasley twins giving him strange looks as the class worked on their quiz on various antidotes. This only got worse as his sixth year students brewed Amortentia. A new scent emerged for him since the previous year. Remus. It made him feel vaguely light-headed, Remus’ words ringing out:  _ I might fall for you _ . He so wished it could be true and not just an attempt at flattery.

It had been so long since he yearned for something so badly. At the thought of earning Remus’ affection, he felt a flash of boldness.

Remus entered the Potions classroom, where Severus was preparing everything. His eyes quickly focused on the aconite, the flowers still attached to the leaves and stem, then wandered over the other ingredients to the gold and silver goblet that was waiting patiently for him.

“Good afternoon,” he said pleasantly.

“How are you feeling?” asked Severus, looking up from the table. Remus shrugged.

“Tired.” He grabbed a chair and sat across from him.

“I hardly could guess you were in the castle yesterday if it weren’t for you being there at lunch and supper.” Even though it was completely true, Severus found it difficult to continue his thought. “I worried. I nearly came to see if everything was alright, but I didn’t wish to be a bother if you rather be alone.”

Remus never could have guessed he would ever hear Severus Snape talk to him the way he currently did. With so much care and clear concern on his face. He fought the will to hug him.

“You’re never a bother, Severus. You can stop by any time, if you can stand me being horribly uninteresting laying down doing nothing sometimes.”

Severus thought that was the most important time to be there. It was times like those one’s thoughts ran too far into chaos.

“I extend the same invitation to you.”

“Thank you. I do appreciate it. Now please, don’t let me keep you.”

Severus gave a curt nod and began the process. Remus watched quietly and in amazement at seeing someone work so masterfully. The delicate, precise movements. The complete effortlessness of something he knew to be incredibly difficult. It was all so admirable. And the way Severus’ lips were parted over so slightly a moment as he concentrated deeply at a particular process, Remus wanted to know how they felt.

They sat in silence until Severus began working with the wolfsbane itself.

Remus had to look twice at what Severus was beginning to do. The flowers of the aconite plant were used in other potions, but the leaves were known to be toxic, so he felt the need to say something when Severus took one of them.

“It uses the leaves?” He couldn’t hide the trepidation in his voice.

“Yes, a minuscule amount.” Severus stopped altogether to speak, as this step was not something he could do while the least bit distracted. “Of course the properties of wolfsbane is something you would retain from class.”

“I didn’t know the leaves could be used in any amount without being harmful.”

“Alle Dinge sind Gift, und nichts ist ohne Gift, allein die Dosis macht dass ein Ding kein Gift ist.”

“P-pardon?”

“Paracelsus. I believe there’s a bust on the seventh floor? ‘All things are poison, and nothing is without poison, the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison.’ I practiced cutting the leaves to perfection many times before you even arrived at the school. I’ve become well versed in how to not kill you.” Severus smiled at him wryly.

“Oh.” Remus flushed slightly. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“It’s an understandable concern.” The fact that Remus even showed a degree of fear at the potential danger was of comfort to Severus, as dark as it sounded, as it implied a sense of self-preservation. He spoke softly. “Now please. This is a very delicate step.”

“Of course.” Remus stopped talking to let him concentrate. 

He watched in fascination as Severus carefully sliced part of the leaf, taking only from a very specific area with surgical precision. The Potions Master didn’t even seem to breathe until he successfully completed the task. He then got to the flowers and looked up.

“Remus, did you notice a difference between the first month and the second?”

“Er, now that you mention it, just a touch. Last time worked just fine, but I did notice I had a bit more clarity the first month, if only by the smallest bit.”

Severus nodded.

“Alright, thank you. I was right the first time,” he murmured, carefully picking the petals. “The amount of the flower varies person to person. And I wouldn’t put the same amount in for a twelve year old you. I was afraid I may have used too much back in September so I used a little less last time.”

“Ah, I see. So that’s why you let me be here while you work.” Remus chuckled.

“I would have asked regardless.” Severus gathered the will to not completely suppress his thoughts. “I really just wanted you with me.”

“Oh.” Remus looked away shyly, a flutter in his chest. “And I like being here with you.”

Severus said nothing yet as he added the petals. The potion then needed to sit a few minutes, so he got up to look for something in his desk drawer, turning away to hide his increasingly flustered face.

“Not that I understand it. I know I’m not the most pleasant person to look at.”

“That’s not true,” Remus blurted out. It broke his heart to hear something like that. Seeing that graceful trim frame in dark, fitted robes, leaning slightly down to get at the drawer… it was  _ really _ untrue. His gaze lingered, thinking of those high cheekbones, intensely beautiful eyes, and soft black hair brushing against his face. His face burned as he adjusted himself in his chair, crossing one leg over the other. Many different responses flitted through his mind, but he found them all to be too forward. “You’re… you’re not bad at all. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re distinctive, but in a good way.”

Severus nearly dropped whatever he was holding.

“Do you mean that?” he asked softly.

“Of course. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.”

He took a deep breath and walked back over, placing a bar of chocolate on the table in front of Remus.

“For later. Naturally, don’t eat it with the potion, but wait a while and you’ll be alright.”

“Thank you,” Remus said in surprise. “You really didn’t have to go out of your way.”

“It’s fine. I don’t want you to suffer more than necessary.”

“I feel as though you’ve done more for me recently than I have for you. Doesn’t really seem fair. If there’s anything you need…”

“Remus.” Severus stopped himself from saying what he really wanted to say. He wasn’t feeling quite bold enough for it yet. “Don’t worry about me. Now, let me finish.”

They fell silent again as Severus worked. Finally, that familiar shimmering smoke started emanating from the cauldron. He muttered an incantation, then filled the goblet, pushing it across the table.

Remus took it gingerly, drinking its contents as quickly as he was able to, wanting to get it over with.

“You should get some rest before supper,” Severus said.

“Do you want any help cleaning up?”

“It’s alright.” He shook his head and stood. He went around to the other side of the table, putting a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “You look exhausted. Just go rest.”

“Okay,” Remus replied, his voice very small.

He finally got up to leave, but before he did, Severus stopped him for one moment more. After Remus looked at him questioningly, he pulled him into a hug. Remus had no idea what prompted this, but gladly returned it regardless. He loved how perfectly Severus fit in his arms, height just right to lean onto Remus’ shoulder.

It was over far too quickly.

“Thanks for that.” He smiled brightly. “See you later.”

Once Remus left, Severus sighed in relief. It was different before, when Remus embraced him. It had been a consolation. He wasn’t sure how Remus would take one for no other reason than affection. That the response was positive gave him a glimmer of hope. Of course, he could have assumed it was nothing but friendly, but it was better than being met with confusion or awkwardness hiding displeasure.

  
Remus laid in bed, trying to get the rest he so needed, but his mind was filled with how Severus was interacting with him as of late. He felt utterly silly for it, like he was a child, but he hugged his pillow and buried his face in it, hiding a giddy smile. Part of him reminded himself of his own hang-ups about allowing himself to want another relationship with someone, but another reminded him of Severus’ argument about it. He thought maybe,  _ maybe _ there was a possibility.


	7. As willing lid o'er weary eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a day late! My family did Christmas a day late so I was busy all yesterday. Funnily enough, we spent a good chunk of time playing the game Werewolf lmao

Severus awoke, trembling and clammy from the recurring nightmare. All his deepest regrets playing back at him and mocking his poor judgement. The look of complete hurt and betrayal from the brightest emerald eyes, the unexpected expression of kinship from those which were red and snakelike. How dare he come here. How dare he not turn himself in back then. Who was he to— He wanted to see Remus. Needed to see Remus. Severus didn’t deserve him. But he was the one light in his life. The only good thing. The warm laugh which filled his soul, pushing out the cruel sneers of Voldemort. He needed to see Rem— 

It was the full moon.

He covered his face in his hands, memory of howls and claws competing against the phantom burning on his forearm.

It wasn’t Remus’ fault. None of it was his fault. Severus thought of Voldemort’s recruiting of Greyback and a surge of anger coursed through him. The anger teared at the fear trying to control him and he got out of bed, slipping on shoes and cloak over his night clothes before stalking off through the corridors.

Once he made it to the door of the quarters, he wavered. Surely, Remus was asleep. Did he really want to wake a sleeping werewolf, Wolfsbane Potion or not? No, it wasn’t that. He would be troubling _Remus_. After standing there nearly a full minute, he finally knocked softly on the door.

There was the sound of a clanking, followed by a small canine whimper. Perhaps he accidentally startled him.

“It’s me,” Severus said through the door, heart racing so quick it nearly hurt. Silence. “May I? I realize you can’t talk. You can… I don’t know, growl at me or something to tell me no, or else I’m going to come in.”

He gave it a moment, hearing the pitter-patter of indecisive pacing against the floor. Another bout of silence followed. Gathering his courage, he turned the handle and opened the door.

His legs felt weak as they stared at each other, Remus curled on the opposite side of the room. It wasn’t quite the same as Severus remembered. The werewolf form was the same yes, but as he looked, he saw human fear in Remus’ eyes.

Remus couldn’t fathom why Severus was here. He nearly jumped out of his skin at the knock, wondering why anyone would be there at that hour. The only two people who knew he could possibly be awake were Severus and Dumbledore and he didn’t think either of them would dare see him now. Surely there wasn’t an emergency happening?

He nearly growled for Severus to leave, not wanting to be seen like this, but Severus wouldn’t come here now of all times for no reason. There was something off in Severus’ voice. Fear, perhaps. He would be afraid too. But regardless, he was here. He thought Severus would certainly run once he saw him, but it didn’t happen.

“You know, I do actually have confidence in my craft. I know you won’t hurt me.” Severus walked across and sat beside him on the floor. Remus was tense, but slowly began to relax. “I was having nightmares.”

He gave a small whine.

Severus hesitated, but then rested a hand on Remus’ back, his fingers sinking into coarse, wiry fur. He leaned down, resting his head and closing his eyes.

Just as he was dozing, Remus nudged him awake.

“What?”

Remus stood up and waited for Severus to do the same. With a slight grumble, he did so. Perhaps the floor had been a bad idea, but there hadn’t really been much other choice. Remus then gently nudged him to walk. Severus followed the direction he was being instructed to, finding himself at the door of Remus’ bedroom. He turned around questioningly, finding Remus going back into the sitting room, curling up on the rug. The message was clear to him: You can stay if you wish, but go to sleep. He nodded with an attempt at a smile. Severus closed the door behind him, face warm at the thought of where he was about to sleep.

He put aside his cloak and shoes, and crawled into the bed, completely sinking into it, Remus’ presence surrounding him. He slept quickly and peacefully.

Remus awoke in the morning, shivering slightly from the cold. Quickly, he put on a cloak, glancing at the bedroom door, which was still shut. Severus was in his bed. He almost couldn’t believe it. He was even more shaken that Severus came to him that night, knowing full well he would be transformed. Completely incredible.

Silently as he could, he opened the door and peeked in. He couldn’t help but smile, seeing Severus curled up asleep, hair awry and a foot sticking out from under the blankets. Adorable. Remus let him sleep, shutting the door but not quite all the way, wanting to let him know it was okay to come back out once he did wake.

When Severus finally walked out of the bedroom, Remus was on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket as he read a novel, a hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. He stopped to look over at Severus.

“Good morning. Did you sleep alright, or did you have nightmares again?”

“It was fine.” Honestly it was the best he had gotten in a long time. That is, without the use of Dreamless Sleep. Severus walked over and knelt beside him, resting his arms and head on the sofa cushion. “Thank you.”

Remus put the book to the side, giving his full attention.

“I can’t believe you would decide to be here last night, Wolfsbane or not. Your previous memory of me like that isn’t a good one.”

Severus looked up at him, defiance in his eyes.

“You aren’t to blame for any of it, Remus.” Seeing the deer-in-headlights look he was being given, he went on. It was too early for such emotions. “I imagine you won’t be going to breakfast? You usually don’t.”

“Er, right. I’ll try to rest enough today.”

“I can bring something back for you if you wish.”

“O-oh. You don’t have to go through the trouble—” Remus stammered.

“It’s fine. You should eat. Or should I invite you to lunch and distract you into eating?” He offered a crooked smile. Remus’ face flushed.

“If you insist on it.” He forced himself to return the smile despite his embarrassment at being called out. “Are you going to go like that then?”

With a chuckle, he reached over and fixed a lock of Severus’ hair that had fallen on the wrong side. Severus froze, remembering he was quite far from his own quarters and was not properly dressed to be around everyone else. He imagined that if it were reversed, Remus wouldn’t have cared, but Severus wasn’t one to walk around in pyjamas.

“Indeed this is a bit of a fix.”

“Hmm.” Remus put a finger to his lips in thought. “Ah, where’s my wand?”

He searched around and found it, then summoned a spare bit of parchment and a quill. Keeping the blanket on himself still, he turned to be able to use the coffee table to write. Severus watched as Remus drew a simplified map of corridors. It was surprisingly good.

“So, we’re here, right?” Remus circled the representation of his quarters, then motioned to a particular path. “This is how one would normally go, but if you go this way,” he drew the alternate path, “you won’t be as likely to run into anyone, especially this early. When you get to this corridor,” he circled it and drew an arrow, “go left instead of right and go around this way.”

Severus listened carefully as the path was explained, feeling both impressed and exasperated.

“Bloody hell, I never thought your past trouble-making would ever come in useful.”

“Yes.” Remus laughed.

“No doubt because of that damn map you lot had.”

“Ah, so you really did know about it!”

“What ever happened to it, by the way?”

“Well it got confiscated our seventh year, so I assume it’s still in Filch’s office, if not thrown away. A shame, we put a lot of work into that.”

“Did you do the drawings for it?” Severus asked, looking at Remus’ makeshift map. “You’re rather good.”

“Y-yes. Thank you.” Remus was clearly flustered by the praise. “James did most of the charm work since he was the best at it, but insisted I did the visuals. The text was all Sirius, as his handwriting was nice.”

Severus remembered vaguely that Regulus also had extraordinarily neat writing, so he wondered if good penmanship was instilled by their parents. He was pretty sure he would remember, but picked up the parchment anyway to bring with him.

“I’ll return after breakfast.”

Severus did as he said he would, filling an extra plate full of food. He went heavy on the mushrooms and bacon, as he noticed Remus often did.

“Ravenous today, Severus?” Professor Flitwick teased lightly. The Potions Master smirked, letting out an amused puff of air.

“Hungry as a wolf, Professor.”

It was satisfying to see the implication dawn on the staff’s faces, and he wasn’t unaware of the glint in the eyes of Dumbledore as he left the Great Hall.

“Welcome back.” Remus looked at the plate hungrily, still exactly where he was. “Did anyone give you trouble?”

“Not particularly.” Severus sat beside him once Remus moved his legs and handed the plate over. Remus noticed it was full of the things he likes the most and his heart fluttered.

“Thanks very much, it’s perfect.”

“Not a problem. Speaking of, however, was the potion more like the first time?”

“Oh, yes it was. Definitely an improvement from last month. Good thing, as you decided to show up. Which I’m still wrapping my head around, you know.”

Severus vacillated on whether he should state how he felt.

“I would not have been able to sleep otherwise. You… soothe my thoughts, Remus. I hope I didn’t overstep.”

Remus stared dumbfounded, overwhelmed with the desire to kiss him. He fought it down.

“I, er, no. No, not even close. Severus, you’re welcome anytime you need. I’ll repeat it until you finally listen.”

“You should rest today. I shouldn’t bother you.”

“I want you to stay.”

The statement was so forthright, especially coming from Remus, it couldn’t come off as anything other than true. He stared before giving a curt nod.

“Allow me to get essays from my office. I’ll come right back.”

“Of course.”

“What are you reading?” Severus asked lightly as he made himself comfortable.

“ _Good Omens_.” Remus showed the cover, which had a little illustration of a demon in a suit. “It’s a comedy about the apocalypse.”

“You would read something like that,” he quipped. “Any good?”

“Oh, hysterical. The funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while.” Remus snorted, thinking of a particular joke. “What do you read then? Poe and Dickinson?”

“Are you going to tease me if I say yes?” Severus raised a brow.

“No, no, they’re both very good. It’s just not the least bit surprising. You seem like a dark poetry sort of bloke.”

“Hmph. And you?”

“Sometimes.” Remus wracked his memory. “Unreal City, Under the brown fog of a winter noon, Mr. Eugenides, the Smyrna merchant, Unshaven, with a pocket full of currants, C.i.f. London: documents at sight…”

He paused for any sign of recognition. Severus delivered.

“Asked me in demotic French To luncheon at the Cannon Street Hotel, Followed by a weekend at the Metropole. Eliot. Seems as though you have a penchant for the nihilistic as well.”

“That’s why I need Pratchett to balance it out.” Remus smiled.

“I figured you to be more of a romantic.” Severus gave him a sly smirk before grabbing his quill to start working. “Even Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 would have been a better choice than _Eliot_ if you wanted to court me.”

Remus gaped, cheeks flushed red.

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me or not.”

Severus shrugged one shoulder with a hum and began on his work, leaving Remus afluster, unable to tell whether or not he was being flirted with. A well-rested Severus was very confusing.

Soon, they drifted into a comfortable silence. Severus finished all his first-years’ assignments when he looked over to find Remus asleep. Smiling gently, he put everything down and pulled the blanket back on him, trying his best not to wake him. 

Remus thought hard about the interactions they had in recent weeks. It really, really felt as though Severus was hinting at a will for a relationship more than the friendship they currently had. The affectionate ways Severus touched him, some of the things he said. Remus sometimes gathered the courage to return those affectionate gestures, the acceptance of them surprising him every time. Nevertheless, doubt still nagged at his heart. This was _Severus_. Why would he want Remus?

He finally decided he would take a step further and really gauge Severus’ interest. He really didn’t want to assume anything and make a bloody fool of himself. His intentions were put on hold, however, as Severus fell mildly ill.

“You’re not feverish.” Remus put a hand on Severus’ pale forehead.

“It’s just a cold,” Severus grumbled, pulling the blanket tighter over himself.

“‘Tis the season. You should probably stay in tomorrow.”

“I have classes to teach, you know.”

“Are you doing anything important? I can watch over them if it’s not something I’d muck up too badly.”

“Remus, you don’t have to—” A sneeze interrupted his thought.

“Bless you. Really, you covered for me before.”

Severus groaned.

“Tomorrow is the third and fourth years. Fourth years have an exam, so that’s lucky for you. The lessons for the third years can be switched somewhat. I’m confident you’re familiar enough with doxies. Having a Defense perspective first may be helpful for when they have to make an antidote.”

“I can handle that.”

The flabbergasted stares Remus received when walking into the Potions classroom was possibly one of the funniest things he had ever seen.

“Good afternoon,” he said pleasantly with a smile as he took out his notes.

“Where’s Professor Snape?” asked Draco Malfoy. It sounded as though he tried to be accusatory, but didn’t quite make it past the genuine confusion. Remus noticed a handful of both Slytherins and Gryffindors giving each other looks that plainly agreed with Malfoy’s sentiment. He wouldn’t be surprised if Severus never missed class.

“No need to worry, he’s feeling a bit under the weather, but he’ll be back in no time.”

“Not whatever you had? You looked dreadful.” There was no real malice in the statement, just concern for his professor.

Remus had noticed the Slytherin students slowly being more respectful toward him. Perhaps it became apparent that Severus deemed him someone not to be loathed. However, he was disturbed at the implication of the question. It was clear the boy was unaware.

“Oh no, it’s merely a winter cold.”

“No offense, Professor,” Harry decided to pipe up, “but I thought you said Potions wasn’t your strong-suit.”

Remus chuckled.

“Indeed. That remains true. That’s why you’re getting a rather introductory lecture today in preparation for when Professor Snape is back. But first, he left me with some things to hand back to you all.”

Remus noticed the distinct lack of perfect scores, aside from Miss Granger’s. Typical Severus. However, they weren’t as absolutely dreadful as they were at the beginning of the term. He handed Harry back a seven out of ten.

“Your mother was rather excellent at Potions. Only one in our year who even came close to your Potions Master.”

“Really?” Harry’s interest piqued.

“Quite. Certainly put _me_ to shame. Make her proud, alright?”

The lesson went rather well, he thought. And as expected, the fourth years were easy. As they took their exam, Remus was able to catch up on some of his own work. Out of curiosity, however, he took a peek in the desk drawer. He found some notes, which upon further investigation, were on the Wolfsbane Potion. They must have been from when Severus was learning how to do it before term. There were the instructions, then notes in the margins in different inks, as they were written at different times. He found the part where it explains the flower petals and there were a few different numbers on the side, most of them crossed out and the last one circled. Remus felt so grateful to see the effort that had been put in to help him.

A particular scribbling caught his eye. A couple of the steps had a bracket drawn at the side of them with the note: _Possible to improve upon? Look into further application of powdered silver._

He stared at it, internalizing the thought. Even if it ended at a dead end, the fact that Severus had the will to improve upon Wolfsbane amazed him. Remus loved that man.

“How did it go?” Severus asked groggily. “Not too much of a disaster, I hope?”

“My dear Severus, I’m offended,” Remus said, not sounding offended at all. He put a glass on the table next to the bed, brushing off the red cheeks as possible fever. “It went perfectly fine.”

“What’s that?”

“A hot toddy. Closest thing to a healing potion I can create. How are you feeling?”

“Not worse, but still awful as all hell. Better after that probably. Strong?” Severus picked up the glass.

“You bet.” Remus grinned, checking the other’s forehead. “I can stick around if you need anything.”

“Perhaps… just for a little while.”

Eventually, Remus did leave to go to sleep himself, but Severus was sure he would be back in the morning to check in on him as he did throughout the day.

He couldn’t remember anyone caring for him like this. His own mother, while not unsympathetic, was never quite this doting. Lily? Lily, maybe, if she had the chance. But there was no way to know. Now Remus. Beautiful, selfless Remus. Severus shut his eyes, trying to stop the stinging tears from burning against his face as he wondered if this is what love really was.


	8. I think to Live — may be a Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to Severus :)) how serendipitous

After a few days, Severus was back on his feet and feeling much better. Remus somehow managed not to make a mess of his classes. He didn’t think it quite seriously. He knew Remus was actually great at teaching, but his weakness at the subject became a bit of a running joke between them.

“Did you say something to Potter?” Severus asked as he was grading, the two of them sitting quietly in his quarters.

“Hm? Why do you ask?”

“He actually seems to have tried this time.” After thinking about it a moment more, he added, “and it’s not Granger’s efforts.”

“That so?” Remus smiled against the edge of his wine glass. “I may have given him some motivation.”

Severus waited for more explanation, but it never came.

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” He raised his brow with a hint of a smirk, waffling between annoyance and amusement.

Remus’ smile waned just a little.

“I didn’t want to bring up possibly bad memories.”

It didn’t take much after that for Severus to figure what angle Remus took. That was good. It didn’t matter what he said about either James Potter or Lily, the boy wasn’t going to listen to a word he said about his parents on principle. Remus, on the other hand, was respected and would be heard.

“While I appreciate your efforts to spare my feelings, it isn’t necessary. They were an inseparable part of your life, and we can’t ignore that fact. I can handle it, just as you are apparently handling my past with an admirable degree of grace.”

“I can’t pretend it’s all alright. Being so close to Voldemort isn’t something one can just brush off as a bad decision. But…” Remus bit his lip, “I try to think of you as you are now, rather than the person you may have been nearly fifteen years ago. And I very much like the person in front of me. I can clearly see the goodness in you, Severus, and I don’t think you were meant to be there.”

Severus had to put everything down, his hands were trembling too much. To be called _good_. He thought of himself as anything but. It must have been a fluke that he somehow convinced Remus he was the least bit good. But the way it was said… it was so goddamn sincere. He got up and joined Remus on the canapé. He wanted to be held by him again. So badly. Looking at Remus' bewildered face, he resigned himself to leaning down and resting his forehead against Remus’ shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he said just above a whisper. “Does this bother you?”

“What, you touching me?” Remus felt his face heat up at the bluntness of his own utterance.

“Yes.” Severus began to pull away, but was stopped.

“It doesn’t bother me at all.” Remus clung lightly to Severus’ robes. “I find it comforting, actually.”

“I’m glad I’m not overstepping.” It was hard to keep his voice calm, as he could feel Remus’ breath light against his ear.

“I was worried about that too.” Remus laughed nervously. “But I suppose you did say you would have no qualms about letting me know if it was a problem.”

“That would be correct.” Severus pulled away just enough to be able to look at him. He gave Remus a haughty smirk. “But I don’t trust you to speak up for yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell me if I make you uncomfortable.”

“Okay. I promise.”

So close. They were so close. It would be so easy for Remus to kiss him. Mere inches away. But a jolt of fear stopped him. Instead, he pulled Severus into a hug, letting it last only a few seconds.

The next week flew by. Severus and Remus became a little busier than usual, preparing for the last weeks before the holiday. A Saturday evening, however, Severus was feeling restless.

“You really can’t sit still today, can you?” Remus watched as he paced the room. “Are you feeling anxious, or did you just sleep really well and don’t know what to do with the energy?”

Severus sighed.

“Perhaps some of both.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.” Among the usual plethora of things that made Severus anxious, his feelings toward Remus was something at the forefront of his mind.

“Do you want to go on a walk with me?” He stood, joining Severus at his side.

“In this weather?”

“Hmm, nah. In the castle. Everyone should be in by now, except maybe prefects doing their rounds. It’ll be peaceful.”

Severus pushed down his nervousness, looking up at Remus, smirking boldly.

“Missed sneaking around the castle late at night, then?”

“Naturally. Going to try and keep me out of trouble?” Remus put a hand on his shoulder, speaking low close to his ear. Severus could have sworn his brain ceased functioning for a few seconds.

“I’m not sure that’s possible, but I’ll accompany you regardless.”

Remus’ face absolutely lit up.

“Wonderful. I have an idea.”

“And what would that be?”

“You’ll see. Let’s go.”

Severus was lightly pulled by the arm as the two made their way into the corridor.

“How far are we going?” he asked as they walked.

“Pretty far.”

As they ascended one of the staircases, Severus paused a moment to appreciate the view below.

“The castle is rather beautiful at night, I think. It’s quiet.”

“Yes. One of the many perks to late-night walks.”

No light came through the windows, the corridors only lit by the sconces on the walls. A different world completely from the bright busyness of daytime. Remus couldn’t help but feel as though the entire castle belonged to them at that moment. 

Of course, it didn’t. As they walked through the higher floors, they saw a figure in the distance, and Remus pulled Severus around a corner. Severus opened his mouth to ask what he was possibly thinking, but Remus put a hand over his mouth gently. He suddenly felt uncomfortably warm.

It soon became apparent the figure was Percy Weasley doing his patrol duty. Remus had that mischievous look on his face. Severus had a feeling old habits were about to pop up. He removed Remus’ hand, but didn’t let go of it.

“You’re not going to…” he whispered.

“Oh, his ego can use a little deflating. Act normal.” Remus led him back out to the corridor, and gave the Head Boy a pleasant smile as they approached. Despite it being the clear thing to do, Severus was annoyed at having to let go of Remus’ hand.

“Good evening, professors,” said Percy. He was obviously putting on his pompous airs, but couldn’t quite rid himself of the surprise of seeing the two of them in particular taking a nighttime stroll. Then again, he recalled that Fred and George had been talking about them recently, making various outlandish theories.

“Good evening, Mr. Weasley. No trouble tonight I hope?” Remus asked.

“None, sir. Even Peeves is quiet tonight.”

“That so? Perhaps someone threatened him with the Bloody Baron. At least that always worked when I was a prefect.”

“You were a prefect, Professor Lupin?” Percy’s admiration went up in his tone.

“I sure was.”

Severus scoffed.

“Not a reliable one.”

“That’s, well, rather true.” Remus smiled sheepishly. “Keep up the good work, alright Mr. Weasley?”

“Y-yes, sir.” Percy meant to continue his patrol, but was stopped in his tracks.

“Everything’s alright?”

“Yes, sir.” With a second try, Percy forced his foot off the ground, walking awkwardly.

Once they were far enough away, Severus spoke up.

“What did you do to him?”

“Nothing too bad. It’s just a piece of chewing gum now stuck to the bottom of his shoe, which can’t be removed without magic. He’s too prideful to ask for help, hence why he didn’t say anything. He’ll either have to figure out himself, or get over himself enough to ask someone for help. Either way, he’ll have to deal with a degree of embarrassment.”

“You’re absolutely ridiculous.” Despite his efforts not to, Severus half-smiled, letting out a breathy snicker.

Remus stopped suddenly.

“Bloody hell, did I just make Severus Snape laugh?”

“Shut up.” He turned red, though it was too dark to see.

“I did. Best day ever. My greatest accomplishment.”

“You’re pushing it, Lupin.”

Smiling ear to ear, Remus led him up another flight of stairs. It soon became apparent where they were going.

“Remus, are we going to the Astronomy Tower?”

“Ah, you figured it out. Yes, it’s a perfect night for it. Nice and clear.”

“For once, I suppose.”

To Severus’ surprise, Remus led him right past the observatory and to the stairs leading out onto the battlement. The December chill was bitter, but the sky was magnificent. He stared in awe until Remus’ voice brought him back to the present.

“Is it too cold?”

“I’ll be fine for a while.”

After a moment of deliberation, Remus ruffled through the satchel he brought with him. Wondering what he brought, Severus quickly realized there was an expansion charm on the bag as an extra cloak was placed into his arms.

“Oh, thank you.” After slipping it on, he followed Remus and joined him at his side, leaning and resting his arms on one of the crenellations. It was dark enough where he could see the arm of the galaxy vividly. His eyes trailed along it until he made it to the familiar stars of Orion. He realized then the other reason Remus must find it a perfect night to be out here. The moon wasn’t out. He knew very well it wasn’t a new moon, so he figured it must have set already. Naturally, Remus would be aware of this.

“Beautiful, right?”

“Yes. Sounds as though you’ve done this often?” Severus was acutely aware they were standing shoulder to shoulder.

“I used to. This is the first time since I came to teach. But back during school, I would come up here all the time.”

“Would you bring Black with you?” He silently swore at himself for asking. Not only did it make himself feel bitter, he could feel Remus tense.

“Only a couple times. He knew there was somewhere I was going and eventually he couldn’t deal with the curiosity anymore and begged me to show him. That was fine. It was lovely.” Remus forced a smile. “But I preferred for it to be something I had for myself, you know?”

“Yet you brought me here. Why?” Severus wanted to look at him, but his gaze remained locked on the sky, his chest tight. He noticed Regulus and Sirius peeking out from the horizon.

“It’s somewhere that always made me feel happy. I wanted to share it with you.”

The tightness in his chest dissipated, washed out by overwhelming love and gratitude. That Remus was willing to share something clearly special to him which he didn’t even want to share with those who had been closest to him. And for Severus’ sake?

“That—” the thought momentarily got caught in his throat, “that is one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me.”

“I know my younger self would think me insane, or perhaps even be upset at me, but right now I much rather be here with you than alone.”

“Your thoughts run places you rather they didn’t when you are alone.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes.”

They went quiet for a few minutes, enjoying the peacefulness of each other’s company. Severus’ eyes wandered to Remus, unable to read how he was feeling.

“What are you thinking about?”

Remus turned to him. There was a brief flash of surprise, followed by a calm smile.

“You don’t try and look into my thoughts when you’re curious? There was that time you did. When you first invited me into your quarters on Halloween.”

“Not anymore,” he admitted. “I tried a few times at the beginning, but not since then.”

“Tried?”

“You can Occlude, yes? Besides, I started to feel guilty at the thought of doing so.”

“I wonder where you got that from? Perhaps no one should know, but I’m rather weak at Occlumency. I never quite learned it properly.”

Severus gave him a look of sincere confusion.

“The first time I tried, I didn’t get anything but my own emotions, as is the case when someone blocks their own from me. The second time, the thoughts were so purposeful, I thought you _intended_ to send them to me. And your claim surprises me since you’re so adept at hiding behind your kindness and forced smiles. One would think you would have a knack for Occlumency.”

Remus looked away, flustered at the blunt take on his personality.

“I did none of that. What _did_ you get from me?”

“It was also on Halloween. You didn’t want everyone’s pity.”

“I suppose… my emotions were quite loud that day. But I don’t know what to tell you about the time you thought I was Occluding.”

Severus thought back, trying to understand it. At that time, all he got was his own heaviness and self-loathing, there was nothing dif— it finally dawned on him.

“I’m stupid,” he breathed out.

“Severus, you’re the least stupid person I know. Top three at least.”

He shook his head, brushing off Remus’ light joke.

“I thought I wasn’t getting anything from you but I did. It was just the same. We were feeling the same and I confused it for just my own mind. I even knew by then you were struggling, but I didn’t make the connection. You understood far more quickly than I did.”

“I was so worried, you know? When I found out you would be here too. All the guilt came back to me.”

“Yes, I can only imagine.” Severus huffed. “You knew I wouldn’t be pleased to see you. In fact I was furious. Gave the Headmaster an earful.”

“And I don’t blame you in the slightest. I would be upset to see me.”

“Part of me is still upset it was you.”

Remus felt his stomach lurch. He subconsciously moved just enough to where they weren’t touching anymore.

“Why’s that?” he whispered.

“Because I’m afraid of something happening to you, Remus. The jinx on the post, or whatever it is…” Severus sighed, lightly curling in on himself. “Now that you’re here, I don’t want you to leave.”

“Merlin’s beard, Sev, try not to start off with something so terrifying.” The fear left Remus in his laughter. “I thought maybe part of you still hated me.”

Severus’ face burned at the nickname.

“Do you think I would be out here now with you were that the case? Or come to you on the night of the full moon?”

“I’m still completely in shock about that. You’ve a hell of a lot of nerve. That’s some Gryffindor bravery right there.”

“Ugh, Remus, that’s insulting.” Severus smirked.

“Oh, please. I wouldn’t be insulted if you claimed I was enacting some Slytherin trait.” Remus returned the teasing smile, amusement glimmering in his eyes. “As unlikely as that is. I’m possibly the least ambitious person you know.”

“Maybe not terribly ambitious, no, but that is something that has waned in my own self. But you can be cunning. I’ve seen that, even if in small hints. Though you’re always quite selfless about it.” Severus gave him such a willful look, it made Remus’ heart race. “If I’m exemplifying Gryffindor by ‘braving’ your lycanthropic form, then I’d like to see you do something for your own gain for once.”

Something for his own gain? Remus knew exactly what he wanted. But.

“You realize, for me to get what I want requires me to be brave? It just circles right back around to Gryffindor.”

“Then you should have no problem.”

“But that wouldn’t really count then, would it?”

“I’ll count it. Remus you…” Severus took a moment to better organize his thoughts. “You do much to please others. You had this one thing for yourself and you shared it with me. What, for my happiness?”

“Of course. That’s important to me.”

“I’m where I am because of my own actions. You deserved none of your suffering.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve been through enough. I want you to have more happiness in your life.”

With a deep breath, Severus steadied his emotions. He could see his breath in the winter air, but his heart felt as though it was melting. He wrapped his arms around Remus loosely, resting his forehead against his shoulder.

“Remus.”

“Y-yes?” The words barely made it from his lips.

“You’re melodramatic.”

Remus could hear the amusement in Severus’ voice. He laughed and held him closer.

“Perhaps. You’re cold. Sorry.”

“How are you not?” Severus nuzzled his face further into the cloak.

“Dunno. Used to it?” Carefully, Remus’ hand trailed up Severus’ back. Remus felt him tense, but make no move to let go. He ran his fingers through Severus’ hair; it was a little oily, but that was alright. It was still soft. “Is this okay?”

“Yes.” It came out more breathy than he intended and Remus felt it against his neck, sending a shiver down his spine. Severus snaked his hand up to Remus’ chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat.

They stilled as it became clear to both of them what was happening. Of course it was. They had been staring the truth in the face for ages. Friends didn’t interact like this. Irrational fear disallowed each other to accept the mutual nature of their relationship, but now even that irrationality couldn’t blind them from how they were holding each other.

“Severus,” Remus whispered. “You know they’ll talk. I don’t mind it but…”

“As if they don’t already. I’ve grown accustomed to being talked about.” Severus stepped back just enough to look up at him. “It would be a nice change of pace for it to be something good for once.”

The nerves made Remus’ chest hurt, his heart squeezed tightly. He put a hand on Severus’ cheek.

“I suppose this is where I’m supposed to be brave for my own ends.”

For a split second, Remus thought the fear was going to overtake him again, but as soon as Severus grabbed him by the collar, all other thoughts were pushed forcefully away. All coldness seemed to disappear as their lips met, the only feeling being that of complete bliss.

Remus led Severus through slow, gentle kisses until they finally broke apart in a bit of a daze. Snapping himself out of it, Remus held the other’s hands.

“I’m afraid of hurting you, Severus.”

Severus gave a little squeeze.

“Do you not think I will continue providing you with Wolfsbane even after you leave here? I know what I’ve gotten myself into. I care for you very much. I meant what I said back then. How much love you deserve. How you can possibly be interested in me is a different matter altogether.”

“Don’t say that. You’re wonderful. You’re brilliant and exceptional and beautiful.”

Severus felt his face flush.

“I’m not beau—”

“But you are. You’re unique and distinctive, I meant what I said. You have such gorgeous eyes and lovely hair.” Remus kissed his forehead. “Beautiful hands and just… this allure I can’t begin to describe.”

“Remus.” Severus shoved away the emotion he felt at the other’s words.

“Yes?”

“You have really terrible taste in people, do you know that? Absolutely awful.” He smiled wryly despite his brows being furrowed. “And for that, I suppose I’ve gotten lucky.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh.

“I could say something similar, but perhaps we should just accept the fact that we somehow want to be together.”

Severus shook his head in disbelief.

“This isn’t something I could have ever anticipated. Were my teenage self to be told he would end up in a relationship with Remus Lupin…”

“You probably would think you’d gone insane? I can _see_ James’ face in my mind. It’s sort of hilarious actually.” He paused. “Severus, do we tell people?”

Severus thought for a moment.

“There isn’t a rule against staff being in a relationship with each other. But the thought of announcing it seems a bit extraneous. I think they’ll figure it out, in any case, though of course we should maintain our professionalism.”

“Of course. I think Dumbledore already assumes we’ve been together. He sort of… hinted at it once. Didn’t realize until I already left.”

“He would figure it out, wouldn’t he? Knew before we did.” Severus played with Remus’ fingers absentmindedly.

“A perceptive man.” Remus smiled. “Shall we go back now? I’m afraid you’ll actually freeze.”

They stopped at Remus’ door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” said Severus, an awkwardness coming over him. He had no idea how any of this worked. Remus, however, leaned down to kiss him one more time.

“Goodnight, Severus.”

“Goodnight.”

Once getting to his own quarters, Severus sat on his bed in a state of awe. He put his fingers to his lips, processing in incredulity what just transpired. He wanted to take back the anger he had toward Dumbledore for hiring Remus. Now, he thought it was the best thing that possibly could have happened.


	9. They won't frown always — some sweet Day

“Severus, what’s bothering you?” Remus noticed the other’s tight expression as they were sitting together on Remus’ sofa.

“It’s the full moon on Christmas this year,” Severus grumbled.

“Right. I do wish I could go to the feast,” Remus leaned on the other’s shoulder, taking his hand. “I usually went home during the holiday, which is great and all, but I was looking forward to being here for it until I remembered. I’m sure you don’t even care to go.”

It took a moment before Severus responded.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if you were able to be there. Perhaps N—” his face fell.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know what you would like.”

“What do you mean?”

“A Christmas gift.”

Remus bolted up.

“Oh, you don’t have to— I don’t need anything. Besides, oh goodness, I haven’t—”

Severus raised a brow and lightly clutched a patched-up sleeve.

“Are you certain you don’t need anything? We can go to the shop in the village and you can choose something.”

“You don’t have to do that for me, really.”

“If not, I’ll buy new robes for you on my own and I can’t guarantee they won’t be black.”

He couldn’t help himself. Remus had to laugh.

“I… actually wouldn’t put it past you. As long as you think of something you want as well.”

Severus wanted to argue, not wanting Remus to feel burdened by it, but realized there was no difference from what Remus had been doing. Besides, isn’t that what people were supposed to do on Christmas?

“I suppose I’ll think about it,” he muttered.

“Unless you want it to be a surprise? At least I like to think I could come up with something you’d like.”

“There’s nothing new that I’m in need of. So to be honest, I’m curious to find out what you would get me.”

“Alright,” Remus said lightly, leaning on him again and brushing his lips softly against Severus’ jaw and cheek.

“Remus, I really don’t need to go to the feast if you rather I stay with you,” he tried so hard to speak steadily as he received these small kisses.

“It’s okay. They’ll be expecting you to go. You can come by after if you wish, but there’s a good chance I’ll just be sleeping through the whole evening. Besides,” Remus stopped the kisses, biting his own lip, “you don’t have to subject yourself to looking at me when I’m like that. I won’t be hurt or offended by it.”

“I will go if it means no one will nag me about it,” Severus huffed. Seeing that familiar gesture, he put a finger to Remus’ lips, though felt immediately embarrassed by doing so. He quickly put his hand away. “Stop that. You’ll make yourself bleed. It’s much less frightening when you have your mind, you know. I don’t want to force you to be alone at Christmas. I’ve never much cared about it, but I know you do.”

Remus smiled a little.

“You’re awfully cute.”

“You’re delusional.” The smile was not returned.

“But you are. That was cute what you just did. And last month, seeing you sleep in my bed. That was cute too. I suppose I wouldn’t mind again waking up to you doing so… and join you this time?” Remus had to push down a laugh at Severus’ wide-eyed look. It was so _innocent_. That was not a word that ever described Severus. “Er, not that I’ll have the energy for anything, but it would be nice to just lay next to you.”

Severus nodded awkwardly.

“I would like that.”

Taking him by surprise, Remus kissed him firmly, letting himself fall on his back, taking Severus with him. At his little gasp, Remus smiled amusedly against his lips.

They figured there should be at least some semblance of surprise, so they browsed the shops making note of things that they each liked. Now, Severus waited patiently outside of Honeydukes for Remus to return from inside. The sweetshop was always insane leading up to Christmas, and Severus wasn’t going to give himself the headache. Still to his annoyance, however, he repeatedly had to listen to people reading the notice on the door aloud, warning of the Dementors’ presence after nightfall until Sirius Black is caught. He wished Remus would hurry, even if it meant shoving past visitors.

“Sorry that took a while. As you can imagine, the line was awfully long,” said Remus, putting a hand lightly on Severus’ arm.

“Figured as much. What did you get?”

They started walking down the street, heading toward the quieter streets.

“Mostly chocolate. It’s good to have on hand right now with the Dementors around. You never know if someone will need it. But also for when I teach Harry the Patronus Charm. I plan to use a Boggart, but I don’t know how a Boggart-Dementor will affect him.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“I do like when you agree with me.” Remus smirked, giving him a light nudge.

“Well, as it turns out, you’re not actually an idiot.” The impish look Severus had in his eyes made Remus desperately wish they weren’t in public.

He leaned in close to Severus’ ear to whisper.

“And you look extremely attractive right now.”

Severus nearly tripped over a mound of snow, dearly hoping no one else saw him stumble. Remus tried not to laugh, but ended up letting out a little snort anyway.

“Should I take back my compliment?”

“If you want. But I’ll keep saying things like that until you believe it.” Before Severus could say anything else, Remus went on. “I got something else too.”

He dug into one of his pockets and placed a wrapped toffee into Severus’ hand. Then he grabbed another one for himself.

“Are your pockets just endless supplies of sweets now?”

“Yes,” Remus said confidently.

Severus shook his head, but couldn’t help himself. He let a small laugh escape, making Remus grin in triumph. Remus then stopped for a moment, looking toward the woods after a dark form caught his eye.

“What?”

After staring for a moment more, seeing nothing, he shook his head.

“Nothing? I just thought I saw a dog. That’s all.”

“Oh.” Severus wanted to brush it off, but he couldn’t shake the discomfort Remus seemed to be feeling. He didn’t appear to be lying, but still. Nevertheless, he said nothing more about it.

Soon enough, the castle emptied for the holiday, with very few students opting to stay this year. In fact, only six remained, including _those three_. It actually surprised both Remus and Severus, as Granger and Weasley in particular appeared to be in disagreement more than usual in recent weeks.

Christmas morning, Severus eyed the neatly wrapped gift that was patiently waiting for him. It was very light, almost as if it were an empty box. He started to unwrap it cautiously, the idea of Remus going for a joke first briefly crossing his mind. When he saw the cover of the box, however, he immediately recognized the label. No wonder it weighed hardly anything. He surprised himself by feeling a little bit excited. Had he ever been excited about a Christmas gift? If so, it had been a long time. He shook the thought from his mind and opened the elegant box, his eyes lighting up at the beautiful quill. Severus picked it up and held it to the light, watching as it shone against the white and gold feather. Thunderbird. He had wanted for a long time a quill made from the feather of a magical bird, but was never able to convince himself to buy one, finding his crow-feather to be perfectly adequate. He was amazed that Remus was able to choose something so perfectly. There was some guilt, however, knowing how expensive it probably was. He would treasure it.

A little later, he went to Remus’ quarters, knowing him to be a late sleeper, especially around the full moon.

“Happy Christmas,” Remus said cheerfully, taking Severus’ hands and kissing him. “Thank you for your gift. You really are observant, aren’t you?”

He wore his new robes, ones Severus noticed he had a particular eye on. Similar to his old ones, these were earthy colors, which he found suited Remus well. There was also some red, which Severus chose not because of any House affiliation, but because it brought out the color of Remus’ eyes.

“I like to think I know you. Thank you as well.” Severus offered a small smile. “It’s extremely beautiful.”

“Glad you like it!”

Severus took Remus’ face in his hands, pulling him down into a deep kiss. With one arm around Severus, Remus used his other hand to close the door, then led him to the sofa, falling down onto it. Severus breathed in sharply as he felt Remus’ hand sneak under his clothes, but did not object.

“I thought you were supposed to be tired today,” he whispered against Remus’ neck before pressing his lips against it, lightly teasing his teeth against the skin.

“Not enough to not kiss you,” Remus replied, melting under him. He let his hands wander, and could slightly feel Severus’ ribs, but admired the smoothness of his back. He stopped himself from going too far. He didn’t want to go too fast for Severus, though he also didn’t want to frustrate himself. “So, do you think anyone has figured it out yet? I can’t tell, but you can read people better than I can.”

Severus let out a quiet laugh.

“Aside from Dumbledore, you mean? I have an inkling that McGonagall knows, but I’m not positive. I am sure it would be easy to figure out if you were able to be with me tonight, but alas.”

“It’s really unfair,” Remus grumbled. “Probably won’t be here next year.”

“I will bring you a plate again, if you wish.” Severus tightened his grip thinking about the DADA-jinx.

“...Perhaps some cake, too?”

“I’ll bring you a plate full of only dessert if you want me to.”

“Oh, don’t tempt me.”

“I’m tempting you,” Severus said, very close to Remus’ lips.

“Just you wait until I have the energy, Severus,” Remus said breathlessly.

When Severus arrived at supper, he found Dumbledore had moved the tables of the Great Hall to the side, replaced with a smaller table in the middle to accommodate the few people who had stayed behind during the holiday. The Headmaster, McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick, and Filch were all there, and soon enough the six students made their way in. It seemed as though Weasley and Granger had been arguing again, but nevertheless they, along with Potter, sat together as usual as Dumbledore explained the lack of tables.

The old man was clearly trying to keep everyone in some sort of Christmas spirit, urging him to take a cracker. He was rather not in the mood, but he wasn’t about to make a fuss in front of everyone else. Severus nearly swore as a witch’s hat with a stuffed vulture flew from the cracker.

“Humorous,” he said, pursing his lips as he pushed the hat toward Dumbledore. He wished Remus was there and they could have a good banter about it. He thought then perhaps he should have kept it to give to Remus as a joke, but already Dumbledore swapped it out from his usual wizard’s hat. Severus rolled his eyes and started eating.

Soon after, and to Severus’ surprise, Professor Trelawney decided to join them. He rarely saw her, which wasn’t something he minded. He felt anger bubble up at the sight of her, but clenched his jaw, stopping himself from saying anything. He suppressed the urge to sigh in annoyance during her dramatic oratory, and glared daggers at Dumbledore as he had her sit between Severus and McGonagall.

“But where is dear Professor Lupin?” Trelawney asked, and Severus nearly called her out on daring to call him _dear._

“I’m afraid the poor fellow is ill again. Most unfortunate that it should happen on Christmas Day,” said Dumbledore.

“But surely you already knew that, Sybill?” said McGonagall. Severus may not always get along with the Deputy Headmistress, but he knew both their disdain for the Seer was something they had in common. Secretly, he enjoyed the snark Minerva dished out.

“Certainly I knew, Minerva,” said a very embarrassed Trelawney, hiding it with a cold look that she really didn’t pull off. “But one does not parade the fact that one is All-Knowing. I frequently act as though I am not possessed of the Inner Eye, so as to not make others nervous.”

Utter bullshit.

“That explains a great deal.”

“If you must know, Minerva,” Trelawney’s voice became more firm than before, “I have seen that poor Professor Lupin will not be with us for very long. He seems aware, himself, that his time is short. He positively fled when I offered to crystal-gaze for him—”

“Imagine that.”

If it weren’t for the fact that Severus was now seething, he would have nearly laughed at McGonagall’s dry statement. How could that woman be so clueless? As if she hasn’t noticed the turnover since she started working here.

“I doubt that Professor Lupin is in any immediate danger,” Dumbledore said as if he sensed the danger of the conversation. “Severus, you’ve made the Potion for him again?”

“Yes, Headmaster,” he replied, noting the glint in the man’s eyes. “Of course.”

“Good. Then he should be up and about in no time.”

That evening, Severus wasn’t surprised to see Remus asleep, curled up by the fireplace. His face softened, and with a hint of a smirk, put the Vulture Hat on the coffee table, hoping it’d get a good laugh. He then went and slipped into Remus’ bed for the night.

***

“Huh, that’s strange,” said Harry, looking at the Marauder's Map, forgetting at that moment that he was supposed to be irritated at Hermione for telling Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. “Why’s Snape with Professor Lupin when he’s ill?”

Hermione looked up from her book, interest piqued.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, they’re in the same room. It’s somewhere near Professor Lupin’s office, so maybe it’s where he lives?”

“But _tonight?_ ”

Ron looked over to look at the Map as well.

“I mean it’s Christmas and obviously they’ve been friendly. Maybe Snape’s giving him a potion again,” Ron offered. “Oh, he’s gone to a different room now.”

Hermione rolled her eyes, unsurprised those two hadn’t yet caught on to Professor Lupin’s ‘illness’. She of course knew he must be taking the Wolfsbane Potion every month, which she figured once she did Snape’s essay. Still, being around a transformed werewolf seemed like a reckless thing to do regardless.

***

In the early morning, Remus awoke. Groggily, he stood and dressed himself. He knew he’d be doing nothing that day, so he didn’t bother with anything but pyjamas. Soon, he noticed the door to his bedroom was closed and he smiled knowing it meant Severus was in there. Before he could make his way there, however, he noticed the hat on the table. He covered his mouth to desperately keep himself from laughing, but nevertheless a burst of air escaped his nose. Oh, he really needed this story later.

Shutting the door again behind him, Remus joined Severus in bed. Carefully, he put an arm around him, hoping he wouldn’t wake. It was a euphoric feeling, being able to lie next to someone he cares about, especially at a time he needed comfort most. Filled with warmth, taking in Severus’ scent, still heightened by the night’s full moon. The emotions were near overwhelming.

A couple hours later, Severus finally stirred, his heart leaping as he realized Remus was next to him.

“Good morning, love,” Remus mumbled, smile sleepy. He reached over to play with Severus’ hair. “Sleep alright?”

“I did,” his face felt hot at the term of endearment. “You haven't been awake too long, have you?”

“Mh, drifting in and out. How was last night?”

“Trelawney showed up,” Severus grumbled. “I loathe that woman. I wish you were able to be there so I didn’t have to listen to her talk about you in such an ignorant manner.”

“Bloody hell, what’d she go on about now?”

“She’s afraid you ‘won’t be with us for very long’,” he scoffed.

“Really? I never could have predicted that one,” Remus smirked ironically. “Was the food good at least?”

“I suppose it was. Did you see the gift I left you? It was from a cracker Dumbledore handed me, but I thought you might like it more,” Severus smiled darkly.

“I did,” Remus laughed. “Thanks for that. Oh my God, if I had been in a better state of mind on Halloween, it would have been hysterical to wear.”

“You or me?” Severus raised a brow.

“Me. It’d make us even.”

“I was unaware that I was owed anything,” he ran his hand along Remus’ bare torso. “But I have ideas… when you’re feeling better.”

“I’m quite interested in your ideas,” Remus looked as though he was about to do something, but changed his mind quickly. “Sorry I haven’t kissed you. I promise you really rather not right now.”

“Dog breath, then?” There was amusement in Severus’ tone.

“Every month,” Remus sighed.

“Well, you will just have to make up for it later.”

“I do like when you’re confident like that,” Remus made a little compromise and kissed the other’s temple. “How long will you stay today?”

“As long as you want me to, Remus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this relaxed little chapter :)  
> I'm afraid I'm actually caught up on both my fics now. Part of chapter 10 is written already, and I'll try to get it done by next Saturday (my time) to post as usual, but after that, I'll have to do away with the normal schedule. I had such a good buffer at first, but I needed a bit of a break from working on it. Don't want to get burnt out (also tbh, I got a little stuck for a bit). So if you aren't subbed, I recommend it if you don't want to have to check randomly for an update. Of course it's up to you, I just personally find it convenient ^^


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